Gardens and Love

A couple of weeks ago I took a staycation here in Austin. I wanted to experience the city the way I would if I were a tourist so my plan was to try new things and visit new places. High on the list of places to go was Umlauf Sculpture Garden and I’m so glad to have made it a priority. It truly is a magical place and I highly recommend visiting if you haven’t.

Gazing around at the different sculptures, I found myself drawn to the ones I picture in this post: the beautiful form of a woman forever held in a state of what looks to be freedom, delight, and ecstasy, a young boy lost in the pleasure of youth – his only concern being excitement about bounding into a lake, and two couples forever entwined in each other’s passionate embrace. It got me thinking about what inspired the artists to sculpt these particular moments, emotions, and individuals. It made me think about the depth of the love and gratefulness for these relationships these artists must have had or observed in others and in turn, what a beautiful way to celebrate and leave behind for the world to have forever.

I have zero green thumb ability (see previous post for a funny story on this) but make it a priority to visit gardens when traveling anywhere new. I periodically visit the Botanical Gardens here in Austin so I can see what new things are blooming. There is something delightfully romantic about meandering along dirt paths that are strewn with bright colors, big trees, sunshine, birds chirping, and butterflies flitting about that makes my heart feel full.  I am also reminded of a story about a garden I once heard: of a man and wife who loved each other dearly. The wife adored beautiful flowers and so her husband created an exquisite garden for her – with little streams, rose bushes, ivies, and many other beautiful plants.  When she passed, he continued tending to the garden as an expression of his love to her. From my understanding this was about 50-100 years ago and the garden is now a part of the city and continues to flourish. I find that to be such a wonderful expression of love – the symbolism of the beauty of nature, the continual growth, change and even death that this garden goes through. Just as relationships grow, change and have different areas flourish at different times, at some point things will end. At some point no one is around with memories to talk about the beauty that existed. This garden will forever sing about their love and there is something that seems so right about that.

Maybe that’s part of why I appreciate art so much. Books, music, paintings, photography, sculptures, buildings…they all have a story. Sometimes we know it and sometimes we don’t. I love the story and I love that it lasts.

And I think about these things in my day-to-day life. We can’t all create a magnificent garden for someone but we can create a dynamic that is worthy of celebration.

While gardens and art and things that can be left behind are beautiful reminders that I will forever enjoy, in the end it’s still just a symbol. When I think about the people I associate love with, it’s the twinkle in their eye, the smile that uncontrollably pops onto their face, the spontaneous feeling-full hugs, the gentleness of their presence that without words says, I’m here for you. I know that eventually life as I know it and relationships as I know it will end, but I believe those other things somehow live on. And that is why visiting gardens makes me so happy. Gardens remind me that today matters both because we all have a last day and because what we do today has the possibility to grow into something incredibly beautiful. While the beauty we plant today might not be seen through the original gardener, the love we strew about the world can grow bigger and bigger. That’s pretty powerful.

Cheers to YOU!

This is the beginning of my staycation in Austin. I have been comparing what this time would be like to how my time was in Cayman because I don’t have much else to compare it to. I wanted to take some time to experience Austin the way I would as a tourist….go to new places, do things I don’t normally do, retire my car for a few days, and just do and go with what I’m feeling like doing in the moment. So far it’s been quite lovely.

I rode my bike around yesterday afternoon and ended up on S. 1^st – a strip mixture of new restaurants, coffee shops, art galleries, and the like. I had dinner at Sway, a Thai fusion restaurant along with a few glasses of bubbles. It was a lovely start to my ‘trip’. Sitting there I couldn’t help but think back to my time of long meals and drinks and dear experiences I had in the Cayman Islands. When I went to the Cayman Islands, I was looking for something. I knew I needed to be alone. I knew there was something in me I had to sit with and face head on. My trip was amazing but much of it was filled with anxiety. I could hardly sleep and didn’t know why. Towards the end of the trip things started coming out but it took awhile to get there.

Approaching this ‘trip’ has been an entirely different experience. I don’t feel the need to be alone at all. I do love my alone time but the intense need for it has dissipated and is replaced by an interwoven life of interactions and quiet. It doesn’t have to be either/or anymore. I’ve always wanted to connect with people but experiences taught me to keep a safe distance. That need for distance is being replaced by a new blend of socializing and quiet, spontaneity and structure, creating and admiring, simply be-ing and productivity.

Sitting at dinner last night I said a toast to myself. I’m really proud of and happy for who I am and told myself so! I am also equally happy, thankful, and proud of my messy little path to get here. I’m still meandering along and probably always will. Life has become fun, mistakes funny, and stresses no longer a threat to peace. People are safe again. I trust myself and am learning to be confident with my choices. That came from lots of grappling through tough times and with uncomfortable emotions. No one else can make us okay. No amount of money or possessions. No relationship, no marriage, no job, no child, no house, no working yourself into the ground, no trip, no accomplishment, no clothing item, no magazine body. What is there when everything is stripped away? Either actively or passively, we all get to decide. Someone once said to me that no matter what, life happens. We can either take part in it and choose the direction or life will pick for us. The thing that makes my life different from 5, 10, 15 years ago is that now I pick the direction. And I pick it intentionally. That is powerful.

Yesterday I was asked how people change and become different. I think some people experience something extreme that makes them reassess their life while others have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right. I’ve had both.

The intentional path I’m currently on began when I was 20 years old. I hit a pretty low place and a very small voice inside me whispered that I had a choice: to continue the path I was on or believe that life could be happy – that I could be happy. I chose the second option and completely re-did my life. I made new friends. I made flashcards of the things I wanted to be thinking about and plastered them in my car, on mirrors, in my closet, by my bed, in books, everywhere. I read everything I could get my hands on that was uplifting. I intentionally changed my thought patterns to where I no longer said mean things to myself, no longer cussed, and for the first time really believed I had worth for no other reason than being alive. It sounds extreme and it was. I was desperate for a new sense of self, for happiness, and clung to the belief that it existed.

My whole life I knew something wasn’t right and went down many typical paths of trying to fill that “un-right-ness”. I wasn’t happy, was depressed, and searched out many places to fill that hole. In hindsight, I can see these different periods as expressions of discontent. All I wanted was someone to tell me that everything would be okay, that I would be okay, and give me a hand. It took a long time to find that person and am grateful to have learned the gift of a real friend, the freedom of acceptance, that it’s okay to ask for help, and the healing power of love.

People ask how I can go out to eat on my own and kinda giggle at me toasting myself (it is a little funny..) : )  but who better than me who knows the path I’ve been on and who better than me to say rock on, sister!

If you are on a path that doesn’t feel authentic to your true self, change it. Do whatever you need to do. Life is way too short to spend it with people who don’t make you more you, more whole, better, and happier. Life is too short to do things you don’t really like. Live a life where you can confidently toast yourself. We all deserve getting a cheers and who better to raise a glass to your awesome self, than you?

And while I'm at it, cheers to the amazing little tribe of people I have in my life. You know who you are and I love you and am so very grateful. Thank you for loving me too.

Why be Happy When You Could be Normal?

What exactly am I doing during those hours I insist on having alone time? Lots of random things go on in my house – dance parties, sing-off’s with my cats (seriously), but mainly it’s a time for me to create. When I have spells of not expressing creatively, I’m not happy. That’s the bottom line. Creativity takes many forms but last Friday night I found myself writing a poem in response to the book I’m currently reading, Why be Happy When You Could be Normal?

I was instantly drawn to this book simply because of the title. We all have those people in our life – parents, acquaintances, friends, lovers, cousins, partners, even ourselves – who perhaps not explicitly, implicitly ask us this question all the time. What a terrible thing to bring to any relationship - causing people to question who they are, things they love to do, and their cool little quirks (we all got ‘em and they rock).

The last time I wrote a poem was probably in middle school and I guess I was ready for another. My emphatic answer to that question…

take away from me

i will create anew

something beautiful

unique

and true.

Choose your happy and toss out normal. It’s made up anyways.

Sunday Morning Musings

“Do we see what we think we see? Do we love as we believe we love?”

It has been several months since I’ve sat down to be quiet and listen to what is going on in my heart. It’s rare to go this long without a check in but it’s been a particularly busy time. By now I know myself well enough to recognize the tugs of my heart letting me know it’s time to reset so I took time to do so this weekend. I’m a big believer in the often thrown around statement of not being able to give others what we aren’t able to give ourselves. It’s true. And the more I’m able to get to know myself and treat myself in the way I want to be treated and treat others, the more and more the relationships I have are strengthened and fun and light and beautiful. It’s counterintuitive but the more I know and love me and am able to sit with myself, the more I am able to know and love and sit with people in my life.

There is a continual quest in my heart for living the absolute best life I can and to do the things that matter. What are the things that matter? We all get to pick what our life story is about and I pick love. It sounds cliché but this includes a lot. I’m talking about friendships, family, random encounters, romantic relationships, and the sharing of oneself.

This last thing – the sharing of one’s self – seems to be the most important. I have experienced the most delight when I have not only been given permission to be myself but absolutely adored for that. I think we’d all be hard pressed to say there aren’t many tugs in our lives asking us to act in certain ways, think certain ways, look certain ways, etc – but essentially – the world gives a mold of what’s right and many of us try to form ourselves to that shape. It’s a wonderful experience to create our own blueprint and not just live it out but love living it out. I think it can confuse people but I also believe it invites the people around us to be more who they are. And when I am most me and you are most you, the connection that is created is pretty darn cool. These are the silliest, most real, most unguarded moments I have and that’s what I want my life to be about. I want to be able to meet someone and in 5 minutes share an experience that is real even if we never see each other again. I want to have people in my life who know that we can cry and joke and hold each other and play and nothing changes. We both get to show up just as we are, be wherever we are and express it. It’s safe to be you and it’s safe to be me. There’s nothing threatening about it. There is trust. Nothing is forced. It’s energizing, and being together makes you better.

Some people don’t understand why my alone time is so dear and why I’d choose to stay in on a Friday night to do things that make me happy. That’s okay. All I know is that when I can sit with myself and wrestle with my heart, I can sit with anyone in the world who is hurting and love and hold them through it. For me, that’s what life is about.

[being alone] “isn’t a hiding place. It is a finding place.”

whose life can you change today?

As I was flipping through radio stations this morning, I happened to stop on a country station that was an interview with Gary Allen. He was telling the story of when he signed his first record label. I missed the beginning part of the story but from what I surmised, he was living in LA and working at a car dealership. He happened to slip one of his demo CD’s into a truck he sold and within a couple of weeks the couple who bought the truck came back and asked who was messing up his song. The song he had left in the truck was a cover of a popular Neil McCoy radio hit. They got to talking and the couple learned of his dream to go to Nashville and record an album in order to get a record deal. Without hesitation they asked how much he would need to do that and he estimated between $10,000-$12,000.  Right there they wrote him a check for $12,000 and told him to go after his dream. He tried giving it back but they said it wasn’t much money to them and if it could change his life, he should take it and no worries about paying them back. Well, wouldn’t you know…within 6 months he had signed a record label and was not only able to pay them back in full but paid them interest!

I was really moved by this story and thought these are the newsworthy things that we should be talking about! This couple had it right. Not all of us have $12,000 lying around to give away but we do all have something that can change someone’s life. Even if it’s “just” a smile.

Challenges or Opportunities?

"My experience of life reflects where I focus my attention and energy."

Increasingly it seems I am hearing of hardships, illnesses, and a never-ending list of life struggles. I keep hearing people ask if life is supposed to be this hard. At times I’ve wondered the same thing. We are all dealing with something but whether we marinate in it, ignore it, trudge through, or acknowledge it with our chin up is entirely up to us.

***

Around the house, my dad is a man of very few words. I learned from a young age that when he does speak it’s because he has something worthwhile to say and that it was energy well spent to soak up his words. He has often said that people talk on and on about all the tragedies in the world and how ugly the world is and that he didn’t understand because the world is so beautiful. Not once have I heard my dad complain of anything – not when he’s sick, not when he’s tired, not when life isn’t fair. Asked how he’s doing and he always says some version of “wonderful” with a twinkle in his eyes.

***

I think of this wisdom often now as I recognize that the life we create is of our own doing. None of us can escape heartache. None of us can escape tragedy. None of us have an “easy” path. The struggles are different and sometimes others’ lives look more appealing but no one really knows what it’s like to be in another’s shoes -- we only see the superficial outer layers of other people. We don't see the energy, dedication, and perseverance it has taken to be/have whatever it is we see. It is decisions and commitment to those decisions and how we respond to life's challenges that shape who we are as an individual. Those choices shape who we are and that is who we become. It’s both empowering and scary. But it’s pretty cool that at some point we get to pick that the shape of our lives is entirely up to us. A great reminder someone recently said to me is that challenges are actually opportunities. I love this and it has become a bit of a mantra for me.  When things aren’t ideal (whether you’re ill, financially strapped, heartbroken, uncertain, insert struggle here), what opportunity could this be presenting? How can we respond differently? Because every time we respond to these challenges, ahem – opportunities, and see them as opportunities, we are shaping a pretty cool outlook.

What kind of person did you want to be when you were little? What things excited you? What did you love doing? How did you imagine yourself? I think back to when I was little a lot – I think it’s the truest version of me before I became a little guarded, a little insecure, and trying to guess what would be the “right” thing. Finding that little girl’s knowledge of who I am brings me back to a track that feels right – it’s a track that doesn’t really care if others think it’s weird I’d rather stay in on a Friday night with my cats and a book, it’s a track that isn’t afraid to say I’m a little bit nervous and unsure, and most importantly it’s a track that allows me to be straightforward about who I am and where I am and that makes me completely happy and completely free.

***

It seems I’ve come full circle to discover what my dad has always said. Smiling is a choice and so are tears. If you need to cry for a day, do it but don’t get stuck there. Life is too short. I choose beauty because my dad was right. Life is beautiful and I want my eyes to twinkle like his. 

Mortality

Sometimes strong emotions hit me and my mind spins about life, mortality, love, loss, and my place in it all. Death is one of those non-negotiables that can be really hard to accept. Some seem to be more at peace with it than others. I am the person who thinks of it often, perhaps because I desire to come to more of an understanding and peace with it but sometimes because of the common feeling of alone-ness and a fear of that lasting. I want my life to count.

It’s these times I find myself drawn to a swingset, a hard run, nature, or some animal love. I adore my cats but dependent on their mood, I can’t always count on them to give me a cuddle session.  So if my cats are feeling particularly independent and I’m in need of a good animal hug, I head to my sister’s house to see her dog Scotch.

***

I can’t mention Scotch without mentioning his brother Nick. Several months ago, after several years of health struggles, it was time for us to say goodbye to Nick. Since then I’ve had trouble accepting that I won’t be able to pet his soft black hair again. In fact, when I say I go to my sister’s house to see her dog Scotch, I really mean I go to her house to see Nick and Scotch. They were together from the moment they were born and are more two dogs in one than two separate dogs. There are many things that keep Nick alive and one of those is the presence of his brother Scotch.

Watching Nick and Scotch together was seeing one soul in motion, not two. Their tails were always wagging in the same direction and even when they ran, their gait, tails, and the way their ears flapped in the wind perfectly matched. Scotch, the serious and moody athlete and Nick, the happy go-lucky playful dog were perfect complements.

It’s amazing to see Scotch now; now that Nick is gone, I see more of Nick in him than ever. He seems to have more a playful side. It’s impossible to see him running with his tail wagging, ears flopping, and little prance without seeing Nick right beside him in his matching gait. There are other things that keep Nick alive for me – one of those things being wildflowers. I find it impossible to see beautiful fields of flowers or even the solitary lone flower along a highway without thinking of that fluffy black dog I love so dearly. It’s impossible to talk to a person filled with joy in the midst of suffering without thinking of Nick, who even on his last day when in so much pain, was still wagging his tail. His was purely a happy little soul.

Nick, Christmas 2011.

 My sister, Luisa, with her doggies Nick and Scotch, Christmas 2011.

Nick and Scotch running side by side in one of their favorite parks. These are the memories I have of them.

I recently went back to this spot with Scotch. I remember this day so clearly.  Walking with them  made the whole world okay.

A painting I did in honor of Nick's courage and love for life.

We will forever miss him.

***

Death is funny like that. You never know how it will be and we don’t really know what happens but we all have our own story. My heart is huge for animals and I think this is twofold: I love their ability to be and I love their pure acceptance of what is. We all, I believe, have a lot to learn from our furry four-legged friends. They know when their time has come and their acceptance, I believe, can help us accept it.

Recently someone shared the following poem with me:

The love of an animal permits us to unfold, to open up, to drop our defenses, and to be naked, not only physically but psychologically and spiritually as well. With an animal, we let ourselves be seen instead of hiding behind our personalities, our cultures, our jobs, our clothing, or our make up. They know us as no one else does, in our private joys, angry rages, deepest despair, in sickness and in health. All the while, their calm steady presence gives us an unwavering love like few others on earth. Our animal companions see through us to the very soul of our soil, encouraging the unfolding of a sacred trust. If there is such thing as a soul mate, then surely this is it.

Perhaps their presence helps teach us how to have this psychological and spiritual nakedness in other places in our lives. A pretty amazing gift…

***

My oldest cat turned 10 yesterday. We have been together since she was 5 months and she has seen me through a decade filled with lots of ups and downs.  With what seems to be way too much animal loss lately, I feel extra celebratory of her (and my other cat’s) presence in my life. It’s been a good reminder to appreciate who and what is in front of me now. I don’t know what it means to die but I do know that the way I live today matters. I am and will continue to do my best.