My journey as I approach 30.

Lately my mind has been whirring around a lot – a cacophony of music, art, and dreams.  As my 30^th birthday approaches I recognize that I want my life to be lived in a really intentional and fearless way.  Right now I don’t live that way.  I’m quick to speak – words that haven’t been thought through enough and that often don’t give even a glimpse into what is in my heart.  I’m often too scared to tell people about how much they mean to me and instead have a litany of ways I keep people at arms length so that my relationships stay safe.  I’m SO good at being safe and I hate it.  I have moments of fearlessness, even days, but as a whole my life is pretty structured with people and moments kept in their place…kept tidy.  And I don’t want it.  I want my life to be full of color, freedom, and maybe even a little messiness.  I want to throw my calendar and list of to-dos away.  The meaning and depth I long for are just waiting to come play once I throw all these covers off.

My best friend often tells me that the ability I have to change the things I don’t like about myself is remarkable – that I fight crazy hard for myself.  It’s a trait I’m grateful for.  This year has encompassed a lot for me but the realization that has short of stopped me in my tracks and caused my eyes to pop wide open, is the realization that I live a lot of my life based off of fear.  A few days ago I realized I’m about to embark on a serious journey and that I’m ready to strip these fears away.  It’s frighteningly beautiful in a makes-me-giddy kind of way.  My paintings are more vivid, music is more enchanting, and even the moon seems to have taken on new form.  It’s the way I want my life to be.  There are things my heart has yearned for but been too afraid of.  It’s these things that I’m determined to do – not only to experience them but so that these experiences take over and form a new me.  A me who is able to freely express not only on my own with a paintbrush in hand but with every person I come across.   Some things on my list? 

I’m going to sleep outside without a tent, on my own and enjoy the breeze, the sounds, and the stars.  Forget that I’m a girl and that sleeping outside by myself is “dangerous”.

I’m going to jump off cliffs and bridges and go swimming in my clothes just because I feel like it. 

I’m going to take more walks at night.

Biggest on my list?  

I want to go on a trip.

By.

Myself.

Without.

A.

Plan. 

Just saying that makes my heart pitter patter and I know to the depths of my being that my soul needs this adventure. 

I’ve also been reading more this year and I want a place to talk about the books I’m reading and have read.  I want to talk about the new art I’m enjoying, the new music I’m discovering, and all the new experiences I’ve had and are coming.  Maybe I’m looking for a place to express myself with others and not be afraid of being judged.  Maybe it’s my segue-way to take into the rest of my world.  That’s what this blog is for.

One of my dear friends often affectionately lets me know that I have a tendency to “yap” which is an echo of my mom telling me for years that I’m “long-winded”.   I suppose this is why it feels fitting to begin a blog: to have a place where I can share the things I’d like to share without sounding repetitious or where anyone even has to listen.