Being Alone

It has been a challenge for me to unplug since being here. There have been tugs and pulls to my life in Austin and I’ve responded. There have been tugs towards obligations and I’ve let them take hold of me. It’s been frustrating and also good for me to see what an active decision it is to let go. Anytime we really want something it never just happens. Luck, fate, or chance (whatever your preference) absolutely happen but what unfolds is because of decisions we actively make. Our choices form our path and that is both giddy-ing-ly exciting and terrifying. It’s much easier to point the finger at other people when things go wrong but we play an active role in getting to where we are today. This can be because of active or passive decisions but no one else is in the drivers seat. Someone recently said to me that we must make decisions to change our lives otherwise life will make those decisions for us – the difference being that when life chooses the direction, we often don’t like it. So for today when the direction to take is confusing and there doesn’t seem a right choice, it seems the best thing we can do is make a decision for what makes us happy right now. How can I know what I will want in the future? I only know what is right for today so I want to live now. At least that’s what I tell myself.

I thought that in coming here alone I would automatically fall into an I am here rhythm and find joy in being present in every moment. I’ve absolutely had snippets of this and it’s lovely but more often than not I’m distracting myself. I’m really really really good at finding distractions. So I decided to take action and turned to a book that has inspired, shaped, and guided me more than anything else I’ve read recently, Wild by Cheryl Strayed. This morning I find myself drawn to two passages and they bring me clarity and courage,

“Fear, to a great extent is born of a story we tell ourselves…I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story [is] a form of mind control but for the most part, it work[s]…I simply did not let myself become afraid. Fear begets fear. Power begets power…And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid.” (51)

“I never got to be in the driver’s seat of my own life…I always did what someone else wanted me to do. I’ve always been someone’s daughter or …. I’ve never just been me.” (273)

There’s nothing to be afraid of being by myself. I am here to be alone, I am here to face whatever might come up for me. I am here because the majority of my life I have lived wondering what will make other people happy or what will make other people like me. But guess what? That never made me happy. I’m happiest when discovering more of me and only then can I be with others in a satisfying way. Or as Kahlil Gibran says,

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts;

And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.

And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly…

The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape.” (71, The Prophet)

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So, this morning I vow to myself not to get on email today and not to reach out to anyone. It’s been lovely.

I woke up before the sun came up (very typical of me – even on vacation I can’t seem to sleep in), enjoyed lying in bed without a care in the world, then made myself a lovely breakfast of pancakes, fruit, and coffee, sat on the balcony with a book, and watched the sunrise. Perfect.

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There is a battle that has been inside of me for much of my life. The battle between being driven and the comforts of what money can offer versus a life of simplicity. Of slow, lazy mornings, walking to markets, cooking, and simply engaging with the wonders of life. The older I get, simple wins. There is something right about walking along the street with chickens and iguanas. Something right about cars stopping when they see you are waiting to cross the street. Something right about strangers looking you in the eye and saying hello. It is this life I long for and know I am on the right path.