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| My first painting in almost a year. I started collecting words to make a vision board a few years ago and that project got pushed to the side. Then I started this painting over a year ago and it also got set aside. Recently the two somehow merged and this painting became my vision board. Just as my courage to write is coming back, so is my courage to create. I love that it has all lined up together. |
Life has a funny way of circling around. I’ve been
struggling to find the courage to post on my blog because of how long it’s
been. Then I got a notification in Timehop that a year and a few days ago I
posted my last blog. So whether or not I feel ‘ready’ or that what I have to
say is ‘good enough’, I’m going to start posting again. As with everything in
life, there’s never a ‘right’ time so everyday can be the right time. It’s time
to be fully me again. I love to write and be part of a community where people
share their experiences. So, here goes…
I started writing this blog at the end of 2014 followed by
months riddled with confusion, darkness, and deep unhappiness. I knew I would
begin finding clarity if I started writing again but didn’t know where to start
and no longer felt confident enough to put thoughts on paper. After taking so
much time off from nourishing and taking care of myself, it was intimidating to
sit down and write. It was strange to find places that historically have been
my safe haven feel so foreign. So I took baby steps in caring for myself again
and it’s in taking these tiny movements forward that I find myself leaps away
from where I was.
Hindsight is a great gift and as time continues to pass
brings much clarity to decisions made and with that comes a peace - and with
peace, forgiveness. It’s also helped me find what I believe are the foundations
for happiness and healthy relationships.
I now understand there is an extremely delicate balance
between self and other and that if someone asks me to sacrifice any part of myself
that is intrinsically me or part of my self care, I will be heading in the other
direction. I’ve also learned how to
know whether any relationship (friendships too) are worth investing in. To me,
it’s two people who are willing to meet the other where the other is and not
attempt to change where the other person is – those differences create such
beautiful opportunities to learn and grow. The truth is that everyone loses
when we sacrifice ourselves. If we’re able to be honest about little signs when
getting to know someone, or applying this to current relationships as getting
to know ourselves, so much pain and difficulty can be avoided.
Seven things I
discovered about relationships and happiness last year:
- To watch people and pay more attention to what they
do and less to what they say. People seem to show who they are far better than their words. I’ve heard it for
years but have come to learn that people who talk the most are the ones who are
hiding. The people who don’t go around barking their beliefs don’t have to
because who they are is glaringly obvious through the things they do, their
relationships, and how they treat people.
- To show up fully myself and rid my life of the
people who want me to be different. The ways people ask others to change
can be subtle and confusing and over time has devastating effects. I consider
life too precious and time too fleeting to have people around who want me to be
different. A healthy relationship will never ask me to stop nourishing myself.
- How to navigate the dance of being
simultaneously connected to others and myself. I’ve swung a lot between
over-hibernating and over socializing and now I’m learning to balance the two. I’m
able to learn it after taking the time to be really honest about out who I am
and part of that is someone who needs time and space to recharge. This one is tough
for me but when I’m not so preoccupied with continually making others happy, it
turns out I’m able to give so much more.
- Just because someone else says something doesn’t
make it right. I tend to look to others as the ‘experts’ and I’m learning to
speak up too. Sometimes what others say has zero to do with me and is actually an
echo of their experiences being projected outward. I’m learning to take time to
process what others say and not pressure myself to give a quick response. My
pace is a little slower than most and that’s okay. If someone finds my pace too
slow and gets impatient, then we’re probably going to have difficulty getting
in sync.
- If it’s right, it shouldn’t be hard. Relationships
that require a lot of maintenance and time aren’t a fit for me. Life is too
short to consistently be butting heads.
- To be honest about where I am and share not just
my joys but also my hurts with my support system. I have a tendency to isolate
when I’m hurting which is probably the worst thing to do because it makes
things darker and scarier. Thoughts get so jumbled when they stay in our heads
but the moment we say them out loud and lean on a friend, we can gain clarity and connect. Connection makes everything
feel brighter.
- A healthy relationship is two whole and
independent people who genuinely want the best for the other and support each
other towards their dreams and goals. So many people are looking for the other
to fill their holes. I believe in two whole people who walk side by side.
There were moments last year when I felt I was wasting my
life. It’s a terrible feeling but as with all feelings, passed and I now have a
much greater understanding of why I needed those lessons. Just as with all
challenges, I was presented the opportunity to gain deeper understanding of who
I am which brings deeper satisfaction and truth to my whole life.
For now, it just feels so good to be dreaming and laughing
again.
