Lately my mind has been whirring around a lot – a cacophony
of music, art, and dreams. As my 30th
birthday approaches I recognize that I want my life to be lived in a really
intentional and fearless way. Right now
I don’t live that way. I’m quick to
speak – words that haven’t been thought through enough and that often don’t
give even a glimpse into what is in my heart.
I’m often too scared to tell people about how much they mean to me and
instead have a litany of ways I keep people at arms length so that my
relationships stay safe. I’m SO good at being safe and I hate it. I have moments of fearlessness, even days,
but as a whole my life is pretty structured with people and moments kept in their
place…kept tidy. And I don’t want
it. I want my life to be full of color,
freedom, and maybe even a little messiness.
I want to throw my calendar and list of to-dos away. The meaning and depth I long for are just
waiting to come play once I throw all these covers off.
My best friend often tells me that the ability I have to
change the things I don’t like about myself is remarkable – that I fight crazy
hard for myself. It’s a trait I’m
grateful for. This year has encompassed
a lot for me but the realization that has short of stopped me in my tracks and
caused my eyes to pop wide open, is the realization that I live a lot of my
life based off of fear. A few days ago I
realized I’m about to embark on a serious journey and that I’m ready to strip these
fears away. It’s frighteningly beautiful
in a makes-me-giddy kind of way. My
paintings are more vivid, music is more enchanting, and even the moon seems to
have taken on new form. It’s the way I
want my life to be. There are things my
heart has yearned for but been too afraid of.
It’s these things that I’m determined to do – not only to experience
them but so that these experiences take over and form a new me.
A me who is able to freely express not only on my own with a paintbrush
in hand but with every person I come across.
Some things on my list?
I’m going to sleep outside without a tent, on my own and enjoy
the breeze, the sounds, and the stars. Forget
that I’m a girl and that sleeping outside by myself is “dangerous”.
I’m going to jump off cliffs and bridges and go swimming in
my clothes just because I feel like it.
I’m going to take more walks at night.
Biggest on my list?
I want to go on a trip.
By.
Myself.
Without.
A.
Plan.
Just saying that makes my heart pitter patter and I know to
the depths of my being that my soul needs this adventure.
I’ve also been reading more this year and I want a place to
talk about the books I’m reading and have read.
I want to talk about the new art I’m enjoying, the new music I’m
discovering, and all the new experiences I’ve had and are coming. Maybe I’m looking for a place to express
myself with others and not be afraid of being judged. Maybe it’s my segue-way to take into the rest
of my world. That’s what this blog is
for.
One of my dear friends often affectionately lets me know
that I have a tendency to “yap” which is an echo of my mom telling me for years
that I’m “long-winded”. I suppose this
is why it feels fitting to begin a blog: to have a place where I can share the
things I’d like to share without sounding repetitious or where anyone even has to
listen.
