Celebrating 31.

This is the first birthday I’ve wanted to celebrate so much. Technically I’ve already had 2 celebrations and today am at the third. Growing up, I didn’t believe in myself or that I was worth anything at all. So each year when asked what I wanted to do for my birthday I said nothing, felt uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, and like there was something wrong with me. I often felt sad around my birthday. I hated the attention and just wanted it to pass by. I didn’t want to be seen. I preferred to blend in, not make any waves, and look like everyone else. I didn’t want anyone to make a fuss over me because I didn’t believe I deserved it. When your rules are: “Go with the flow, make everyone like you, smile, behave, act ‘normal’, and please don’t notice I’m pretending”, it’s pretty uncomfortable to have all attention on you because what if someone sees you’re faking it? Or worse, they might see a glimmer of the real you and not like it? It can be a lot easier to pretend.

I’ve said this in other blog posts but things started shifting for me in my early 20’s – there was a definite moment where I knew my life had to change or I would literally destroy myself. There’s only so long you can go on living feeling so terribly about yourself. It took a relationship where it was insisted I believe in myself to really internalize I was worth anything and believe I deserved (we all do) to be seen and celebrated. What happened is that someone saw that shimmering real part of me and wholeheartedly believed in it. And loved every single ugly, honest, raw, wounded piece of me. Who gave and gave and gave. Who insisted I was deserving of love – and that I should demand that type of love from myself and from every person I allow in my world. That I was good enough. Over time I learned that every thought and feeling wasn’t wrong or to be feared but information about my inner workings and worth appreciating. I was aching to be accepted and didn’t really know how to interact with people who did just that so pushed a lot of wonderful people away. When a big surprise party was thrown for me, my eyes were opened to the fact that not only did this person love me, a LOT of people love me. When I walked in and saw the variety of people who had come together for me, I was floored. I honestly didn’t know that many people could like me. After the party, I was given stacks of letters from everyone invited. The letters shared what they thought of me – these were all people I kept at an arms length – and I was overcome by emotion. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Deep wounds began to heal and I began inviting people in. My capacity to share my heart and myself began to further grow. I learned the power of relationships and of love and found myself committed to creating real and meaningful interactions. It was through this commitment and falling short that helped me learn the cliché that first I had to truly and deeply love and be committed to myself before any type of relationship could be successful. And that’s what I set out to do and have done. That’s what made my 30^th such a milestone and why I’m thrilled to celebrate 31.  

Most birthdays I’ve felt very alone and today I feel more love than I’ve ever felt in my life. You see me and I see you. Every single gift, card, and correspondence I’ve received this year screams my name. My friends know ME – the real “pleasantly dorky” me – not the version of me I think they might like or the version of me that’s socially acceptable. They get the messy parts and that means we get to love each other more fully because we both show up. I find myself writing thank you notes and what feels like love letters/texts to my friends because the love and gratitude I feel for the people in my life is overwhelming and naturally pours out.

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Do what makes you happy, go where you love, and be with the people who make you more you. If you don’t know what you like and aren’t surrounded by people you jive with down to your soul, find what and who does. Find yourself and honor it. Make it your mission. Maybe we’ll have all the time in the world and maybe life will be gone before we know it. It doesn’t really matter. Find your truth and celebrate the heck out of it. Right now.

Off I Go! Solo Vay-cay 2013.

Walking into the airport this morning I was flooded by a sense of freedom and overwhelming joy.

***

Traveling was a big part of my family’s life so it’s natural to now be reminded of these times when traveling on my own. I can’t help but marvel at how nothing has changed except for my perspective.

When I think back to traveling with my family, several very clear pictures pop into my head. Without fail, I was the last one getting in the already running car, blankets trailing behind me, carrying several stuffed animals, slightly oblivious to the fact that there was a schedule to be kept and that the people in the car were more than annoyed with me. Always carefree and not too concerned with the task at hand, preferring a slower pace of life where there’s always time for one more hug. And my dad – on the opposite end of the spectrum - insistent on being at the airport several hours early only to then sprint to the gate despite being comically early. Remembering our times in the airport makes me laugh. Imagine a family of five sprinting through airports led by an Italian man on a mission, followed by two of his equally mission-driven daughters and farrrrr behind a little girl dropping different stuffed animals every few steps with a frustrated mother pulling the little girl’s hand in attempt to keep the family together and be sure the youngest wasn’t lost. It’s kind of ridiculous. Along the way I’ve come to find that it doesn’t matter how fast we go or how urgent we make a situation seem, it doesn’t make much difference to the end result. What will be affected is your state of mind and your relationships. Noticing this has all but eliminated ‘being stressed out’ from my daily experience. Life is much more enjoyable.

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My morning thus far has been perfect. Despite having a 4:45am leave time, I didn’t finish packing until 4:40am (this gave me a good 5 minutes of goodbye cuddles with my cats!). I called a cab 20 minutes before I needed to leave. I meandered into the airport only to be pulled to the side by security and frisked for explosives and anything else that could be on my body to pose danger to the plane. The whole time I chatted away and laughed knowing full well the flight had already boarded.  Post-frisk I stayed true to my Austin airport ritual and stopped to grab a couple of breakfast tacos. I was the last person to board and it was just fine! My tacos and I found ourselves next to a nice man and spent most of the 4 hour flight talking about life, passion, drive, and the fragility of building a life based on possessions. Now given precious time from a layover, I’ve found myself cuddled up in a booth, far away from my gate musing and spending time to write about my experiences. These are the things I’d like to remember so I write about them. These sweet little moments are lost when I’m stressed about getting everywhere in a hurry. I spent years following the stress blueprint that many of us do and it’s so much more fun to enjoy everything! And because I contained myself for so long, these are the moments of pure enjoyment and exhilaration – connecting with people – strangers and the people I love, recognizing the shift in how I view every day occurrences, being spontaneous, knowing I used to ache to go out and experience life but was too dependent on the people around me to do anything I really wanted. This pure happiness is directly related to the deep gratitude I feel for these wonderful moments and connections. It just feels dang good to get out there, be yourself, and do whatever the heck you want.

So, here we go solo vacation #2! Time to meander, take my time, get “lost”, and maybe drop a few things along the way.

Thank you, discomfort.

There are moments, days, and seasons that cause us to stop and listen. Today was one that caused me to step back, put some pieces together, and have a little bit of an “ah, yes – I get it” and even a “it’s happening moment”.

***

As the youngest child I was babied a lot. I loved it when I was younger but as I grew, so did a strong stubborn streak and sense of determination. I began to despise feeling reliant on others. A large part of this was emotionally driven – I really did need to find my voice – but over time it traversed into other areas.

Someone who’s opinion I really value, told me several months back that while independence is a wonderful thing, it’s also nice to let the people who care about you know they are needed. She told me that while being independent is admirable, it also pushes people away. She kinda called me out. While this conversation was in regards to romantic relationships, this comment has since been in my head a lot as I’ve more and more realized how difficult it can be to allow the people who care to actually show and express it. I don’t think I’m alone in this – receiving love stretches your capacity for loving and increases the chances of getting hurt by a lot. It is scary scary scary.

So, I’ve been noticing and practicing. Practicing letting people I love and who love me, know when I need help and asking for it. Saying out loud how hard it is and sitting with that discomfort. Giving and receiving real hugs (you know what I’m talking about). Telling a couple of my girlfriends that it’s scary to be this emotionally vulnerable. And guess what? Practicing in my ‘safe places’ has helped me take that into other areas of my life. I believe Thomas Jefferson referred to this as stepping into the arena.

No interaction has any guarantee. We never know how someone will react. It’s just that the more important it seems, the riskier it feels. When we give our whole self to someone we love (I’m not just talking romantic here), the uncertainty of reciprocation forces you to step back and say, I trust you and I believe in you. It’s scary but feels good. The closer we allow ourselves to become to someone, the less we can hold on. I refer to this as living with open palms and love that feeling. The more I’ve loved something or someone, the more I realize that my grip needs to be non-existent as does its/theirs on me. I suppose the early years of being babied and my fierce independence have merged into an existence that is both capable of living on my own but doesn’t want to. I want to give and take care of the people around me and allow them to give and take care of me too. Relating in this way matters and – to me – is everything.

My blogs seem to be ending with a lot of thank you’s lately. It’s hard not to have thank you on repeat when I am continually overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m grateful for the overwhelming sense that the world is full of amazingly generous people. I’m grateful for the uncomfortable moments that give me pause and ask what is causing me to feel that way. I’m grateful to the people and moments that challenge me. And most recently, I’m grateful for the silly injury I have that has forced me to slow down my entire life and re-examine what it is that makes me happy.

Thank you, discomfort for being the little path to making changes. I love foraging along together.