My Day in Pictures

For my final day of 2012, I have put together a photo blog.  Today in pictures:

Sunrise this morning. It was a bit stormy.

Post-morning sweatfest - ending the year right!

This little guy was too cute not to include. I thought his little curls were precious and then he passed out with his mouth open! This is on the lonnggggg but very scenic bus ride to Queen Elizabeth Botanical Gardens.

I have had several favorites on my trip and the Botanical Gardens are absolutely on my favorite list - perhaps my most favorite. I love being outside and seeing beautiful snippets of nature and I often find myself at gardens in various cities as I travel. I kept finding myself with a huge smile on my face and laughing out loud. After two highly emotional days, this was a great way to end 2012.

I thought of my British grandparents throughout the trip to the garden.  They love greenery and often send us photos of butterflies on flowers. I have a new camera and the combination of admiring the gorgeous and plentiful butterflies with my new camera's zoom capabilities was really fun for me!

I spent a lot of time in the gardens chatting with the butterflies and telling them how lovely they are. 

I can't even imagine. What a blissful life.

The actual tree wasn't anything spectacular to look at but I'd like to know the history of it's name.

Another gorgeous little butterfly!

I chatted with this little guy for awhile. My family used to have a very loving iguana named Bernice so every time I see one I'm reminded of her and want to believe she can hear me. I told this guy what big mus(K)les he has!! I wanted to squeeze them like we did with Bernice.


Beautiful face.

The story of this tree is amazing. See below.

More garden photos

Cat's Whiskers!! I LOVE(d) this plant. I adore cats and anything cat related. I mayyyybe told this plant how wonderful it is.

Sweet little ducks.

Anyone else impressed with this photo? I thought it was really cool and felt artistically satisfied. 

See below for the warning sign that comes with this tree.

I forget to do things like charge electronics so around this time in the garden my camera died. I was SO bummed! I attempted to make do with the camera on my phone but it's pretty poor quality.

This itty bitty tree is MEAN! It's actually parasitic to the surrounding roots of neighboring plants. Now THAT is survival of the fittest.

Look between the tree and the leaves and you'll see a head. I stood silently watching this little guy (I was SO bugged about my camera otherwise I could have gotten a good shot) for at least 20 minutes. Then a couple came along, asked what I was watching and it of course ran off. I told them what I had been watching and the man laughed and said I'd been watching an Agouti - basically a large rodent. He seemed to find it humorous and I was annoyed he'd chased off my first mammal encounter of the day.

Agouti sighting # 2. If you look verrrrry closely you'll see the little guy back there. 

Apparently they're very shy so it was really special that I got to see two!

Really, they look more like this. Thank you, Google Images.

                                                

The aforementioned male pictured above. I thought this was a sweet photo even though I felt a little strange taking a photo of people I don't know.

I took this for my sister, Luisa. She LOVES wisterias and I think this is one?

My journey home was an interesting one. I've become a little impatient with the bus system. At moments I continue to marvel at it but those times I want to be somewhere at a certain time, I'm pretty annoyed. So, today when I was told that a bus would pick me up in 45 minutes and I was a 30 minute drive from the Gardens back to where I'm staying, I decided to be bold and ask a couple of firefighters if they'd take me home. This particular guy in the photo ended up being very creepy, asking me to party with him tonight, to meet him in Miami to party, and to exchange email addresses so we could keep in touch and party around the world (ummmmm??). He didn't get detailed with his definition of party but I was pretty sure I'm not interested. Thankfully he was only giving me a ride in the firetruck for cool factor because I was getting a bit nervous. When it was time to exchange contact information, I told him my name is Roberta and that my email address is roberta001@aol.com. I really hope this isn't anyone's contact information but I was in a pinch.

My new penpal driving away in my first firetruck to ever ride in. I was later told I could brag to my friends that I rode in the most expensive truck on the island. Purportedly it is worth $1.3 million. Who knew?

The ex-fire chief took me the rest of the way home. His name was Roy and much more honorable than his buddy. He told me stories about his wife and 6-year old grandson. Just as Maxine had a fascination with back when mosquitos killed cows, Roy LOVED talking about Christmas lights and his love for them. Sweet man.

And the fireworks show tonight. Right off of my balcony.

Perfect.

Happy New Year!!

And the Tears Came

I’m a little more than halfway through my trip.  In an example of doing very poorly at just ‘be-ing’, I’ve been mentally preparing to go home.  Oops.  So, as I was strolling this morning contemplating the realizations I’ve had on this trip and summarizing the thoughts that are aching to be put onto paper the way my emotions ache to be turned into colors and splattered across canvases, I realized I haven’t had any gut wrenching highly emotional moments.  I think I thought this trip would involve some tears or other some sort of “aha” moment.  The recognition that this hadn’t (yet) happened, spouted another train of thoughts that I’ll write about another time but for now I’m kind of excited to share that tears did in fact come.  I say excited, not because I necessarily wanted to cry but because I believe that if emotion comes, it needs to come out.  I used to fight my emotions but I’ve learned to be grateful for them as they are ways we communicate with ourselves.  Today I sobbed big giant tears.

***

Every year I host a fundraiser benefitting a non-profit whose work I’m extremely passionate about: Texas Advocacy Project.  They provide many wonderful services, and primarily offer free legal assistance to victims of stalking, sexual assault, and domestic violence.  Legal solutions are a huge barrier to victims being able to remove themselves from life threatening situations so legal assistance is crucial.  The work TAP does saves lives.  Victims and their families are able to start over, rebuild, and heal because of TAP.  This organization is truly changing the world.

Today I found myself contemplating their work, the upcoming fundraiser, and the things I most want the people who come to understand and take away.  It’s a highly misunderstood topic and I always say that if through TAP or through the fundraiser I put on or through me talking about what I went through, if one more life can be saved, or the way someone responds to a friend going through something similar, then it’s all worth it.  I say this because the support offered to someone who has had their sense of safety taken away is really what gets people through these times.  It’s what got me through it.

For those of you who don’t know my story, you can read it here. 

Today I lay there thinking about last year’s fundraiser and what I said when it was time to speak.  I don’t remember much of what I said except that I cried (I tend to do that) and emphasized how grateful I am to the people who stood by my side during that time.  I thanked the people who were there as well as the people who weren’t able to come.  The people who stood by my side became my tribe - the people I knew who would fight with me when it counts.  What I went through was a long and hellish fight and one that I know wasn’t easy on my friends and family.  It’s easier to turn away from this type of pain.  I absolutely lost/cut out ‘friends’ during that time – they weren’t friends.  

My little tribe of support offered me different things that helped me through that time, some highly intentional and others very unintentional.  Some people didn’t know their impact until I told them later.  I didn’t make it through that time taking it day by day.  Not even hour by hour.  I often had to go minute by minute, moment by moment.  I clung to the people who believed in me and to letters like this:

“Liana Mauro. I write to you sometimes when I want you to know just how firmly I believe certain things. Like how I look at you and see fortitude and composure. Like how you've made tough decision after tough decision over the past year and each time you've come out on top. Like how I know this whole situation with this creepy son of a bitch will absolutely disappear. Like how I know--and how I've always said--you're destined for such greatness and wonder, and that the only limit in your world is that you set upon yourself.

There is a wonderful Sufi fable of a powerful king who asks some wise men to create a ring that will make him happy when he is sad. After deliberation the sages hand him a simple ring with the words "This too shall pass" etched on it. I so badly want to give you that ring right now, and each time I hug you, I am doing it in my own small way. Because moments become minutes become hours become days and weeks and months, and before you know it, this too shall pass.

  

So whether you feel like retreating from the world and trusting nobody, or if you feel like you want a hug and some sushi, or some chicken and avocado, or some time by yourself to do a Tracy Anderson DVD or, someone to listen to how excited you are to decorate your new place, or someone to tell you how you mixed up "do you want any wine with that cheese?" or if you ever want to talk about books, or watch Avatar or 90210 or any of your Liana-ish shows, remember that I am here--if you need me--to help you through all this, to help you smile and breathe. Why? Because I look at you and see the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and how I know that if I had 1,000 lifetimes, I could never be able to tell you just how much I love you and have those words approximate how I truly feel. You want to know another reason? Fuck this guy, that's why.”

And these lovely two lines sent to me on day 1 of the court hearing:

“You smile and breathe today. Everyone's on your side you beautiful girl.”

The repetition of being told that I would get through it, that I had someone who believed in me – in what I was fighting for, in who I am, and in who I would be as a result of this experience – that got me through it.  Friends who didn’t care what time it was but would come over in the middle of the night because I was too scared to sleep or just needed someone to be there while I cried.  Having someone sit by my side who didn’t tire of hearing me cry, get angry, ask why, take long walks in silence when I needed to be silent, sprint with me when I needed to sprint, and then do it all over again.  Having someone who allowed me to experience everything I was feeling without judgment but with encouragement, gentleness, and belief in my path.  Being told that when the case was closed that my process wouldn’t really be over and that it was okay.  Being told over and over that it was all okay.  Being reminded to breathe.  Gosh, we need these people!  Please be this kind of friend, mother, sister, lover, and father.  Don’t say ‘let me know what I can do’, GO and BE with these people – with anyone who’s hurting for that matter.  Sometimes the pain is too deep to ask for help and it’s really comforting to know that you aren’t as alone you may feel.  BE with people who are hurting.  Especially the people you love. 

So today thinking about what I want people to understand as a result of the 3^rd Annual Share the Love Fundraiser, I cried.  Tears for what was taken away from me forever.  Tears for the inevitable and rightly placed guards.  Tears for having to live in a way that I don’t believe is the way people should have to live.  Tears for so much lost.  Tears for relationships that were affected.  Tears for a city I adore that is forever tainted because of this experience.  Tears for innocence that was stripped away.  Today I mourn these things. 

I’m a different person because of what I went through.  I’m tougher, I’m smarter, I have boundaries.  But it’s sad.  It’s so so sad.  And as grateful as I can be that I was chiseled a little sharper, it also breaks my heart.  We shouldn’t have to be hardened.  We should be safe among fellow humans.  But the truth is that we aren’t always safe.  And it’s okay to cry about.

Maxine

Since being on holiday I’ve felt very comfortable and very relaxed with the locals.  Naively I let a lot of my guards down and subconsciously decided that since I’m on vacation I can trust everyone.  It’s a silly thing to think and if my mom is reading this I know she’s cringing.  Someone recently told me that our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses and that has been true for me: I’m naturally incredibly trusting and sadly have had to learn that people must earn our trust.  I don’t believe that’s how it should be but unfortunately it’s the way it is.

So in my trusting I’m-on-holiday!-frame-of-mind, I’ve been strolling around without a care in the world for hours at a time.  Yesterday while on an exceptionally long walk, I began getting worried as I entered an area I hadn’t yet visited and the number of honks per minute was drastically increasing.  A beat up car soon pulled onto the path where I was walking – essentially blocking part of the way.  Two very greasily sketchy, I can’t put it any more kindly – dirty looking guys were in the vehicle.  The one closest to me opened his door and told me to get in.  I was so frightened I don’t remember exactly what I said because I went into semi-survival mode and yelled (yes, moomy, you’d be happy to know I did yell) a series of expletives so that my “no” was made quite clear.  I’m not prone to cussing but certain situations call for it and ladies, if an unknown male invites you to get into a car with him, I think it’s appropriate to set manners aside.  I’m really grateful that I didn’t have to get any more forceful with my no.  They asked if I was sure, I reiterated my stance, and they drove off.  But this encounter left me shaken up.  The silly sense of security I’ve had since being here was cracked a bit but determined to continue with my walk, on I went.

***

In my last blog I talked about how friendly everyone has been here and how accommodating the bus drivers have been.  I failed to mention that all these friendly bus drivers have been males.  I’ve had no problem with finding buses to get to destinations in plenty of time and encouraging the bus to take me a bit off route.  Today was different.  I had a Pilates session at 11am and at 10:35am I was still walking and knew I wouldn’t make it by 11am.  I didn’t think it would be a problem so started waiting for a bus.  And waiting.  And waiting.  By 10:50am, 0 buses had passed (I later found out that they were still on “vacation” – on the 27^th?!).  I was about to go into a business and ask for a ride (hey, I was desperate to get to Pilates) when I saw a bus coming!  I asked if it could take me (it was a bit of a detour from the regular route) and she said no!  I couldn’t believe it!  I offered to pay double, then triple and still nothing.  I told her I was going to be late if she didn’t take me and clearly she felt nothing even remotely close to sympathy and drove off.  I was stunned.  Were all of the other bus drivers so accommodating because they were male?

***

In just 2 days, a lot of what I have been loving about the people here was being challenged. 

***

I turned around and noticed a lady smoking a cigarette.  I asked her about the buses and told her I’d been standing waiting for awhile and was worried I’d miss my 11am appointment.  Without hesitation she offered to drive me.  Along the way we had a lovely conversation.  Maxine is a local who chatted with me about her children and the changes she’s seen in her 30+ years of living here.  She referred to me as “doll” and “baby” and I instantly liked her.  She talked of times back when mosquitos killed the cows.  I wasn’t completely sure of what this line meant but she repeated it multiple times so I think it was an important takeaway point.  I was kind of so in awe of the whole scenario that seeking clarification would have taken away from this incredible moment.  Maxine wouldn’t accept payment so I’ll be taking her something by to thank her before I leave town.  More importantly than getting me to Pilates at 10:59am, Maxine was a beautiful reminder that it’s okay to get into some strangers’ cars.  In other words, be discerning with those we trust.  I will be offering more strangers rides because of Maxine – she was a beacon of light today.

Maxine also served as a great reminder that I love people.  As much as I adore being alone, I really enjoy having honest conversations with people who smile from their heart.  You can feel heart smiles and people with heart smiles make me happy.  She was a nice intermission for my solo vacation.

***

I’d like to go back to my observation of the friendly bus drivers who have all been male.  There’s a great chance I’m going to find out that their kindness had nothing to do with them being male and me being female.  I laughed while waiting for the bus today because it made me remember the following story:

Tarrytown is a wealthier area of Austin with full service gas stations.  For years I was committed to buying gas from one of these gas stations because of how “nice” they were – they always chatted with me, washed my windows, pumped my gas, and checked my tire pressure.  I loved their friendliness and commitment to customer service so I wanted to support their business.  I had a friend in the car with me one day when the light came on signaling that my tank was low in fuel.  I started raving about this gas station and went out of my way to drive there.  Laughingly and kindly he let me know it wasn’t a “friendly” gas station but a “full service” one.  I. Was. Shocked.!!!!  I had no idea!  I found it hilarious but also don’t feel the need to pay extra on my gasoline.  I’m happy to clean my own windows. 

Like I said, there’s a possibility I’m going to learn something about the bus system that will make it all make sense.  Maybe not.  Either way I’m good with it – I will remember all of these experiences forever.  A lovely end to my 30^th year.

I am in Love

I am in love with my life right now.  I am in love with all the walking I’ve been doing.  I walk to get groceries, I walk to markets, I walk to get coffee, I walk to dinners and to Pilates.  It’s funny that even in such a tiny place people think it’s strange to walk everywhere.  But this is the way I’d like to start living my life so I thought I’d give it a try.  And it brings me peace.  The only other form of transportation I’ve been using is the bus system.  A bus system that is technically unorganized yet makes much more sense to me than the systematic and scheduled way of much of the rest of the world.  Here to catch a bus, you simply walk along the side of the road, wait to hear a honk, turn to make sure it’s a bus, wave, and it stops for you to get on.  There are no routes here so if you need to go somewhere that’s “technically” off-route, you are taken there.  If there are other people on the bus going elsewhere, they come along too.  There’s no rush, there’s no system, and I love it.  It’s people working together and being kind to one another.  Here’s a photo from my first bus ride.

I was beyond happy to have figured out how the buses work and thrilled to be in such a small space where speaking English was the minority.  I love being the minority.  I love the new experience of talking to people and not being able to understand them even though they’re speaking English.  I now know what it’s like to just nod and say yes because it’s easier to pretend you understand than make further failed attempts at communicating. 

I love that if you want a plastic bag at the grocery store it must be purchased in efforts to reduce waste and consumption.  In an odd way I even love the higher prices on groceries because it makes you appreciate and savor a box of cookies that much more.  These small things make me feel more connected.

***

In Austin I begin each day at 4:30am sitting in front of my computer doing work.  This is usually after getting my typical 4-5 hours of sleep and running on exhaustion.  A dear friend of mine once told me that what we do when we first wake up sets the tone of our entire day which turns into our entire life – saying this in an effort to encourage me to save the work for later and start off with a slow breakfast and a book.  Because I’m most productive in the mornings, I didn’t really like this advice but I now see the wisdom in this.  I’ve known for awhile that the structure of my days isn’t sustainable nor does it make me very happy so it’s time to try something different.

I often hear myself saying that I want my life to be like a vacation and while I know there is a part of this that’s unrealistic, I also believe that parts of a vacation lifestyle can be pulled into daily living.  Two things I’ve found that make me incredibly happy are taking my time in the mornings and using my feet for transportation.  Maybe this means my personal life will take on even less structure (sorry, friends!) but we have only one life and it’s too short to not do the things that keep our hearts smiling.

Gifts

Being that it’s the day before Christmas, I felt that the section on giving from The Prophet was fitting. 

“You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

…

There are those who give little of the much which they have – and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life…

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism…

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding…”

(The Prophet, 24-29)

Gifts are wonderful but I always say that my favorite gift is spending time with someone who shares of themself.  Guards are exhausting and only invite the people around us to be more guarded and when we encounter people who are able to simply be, it is a delight and invites us to put some of our heavy shields down.  It’s the way I hope to be for those in my life.

Brene Brown puts it pretty well too in her book Daring Greatly,

“What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable…

Vulnerability isn’t good or bad. It’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living…

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

And to me, what a gift!