Approaching 31.

Historically, birthdays didn’t have much significance to me. It was a day for people to give presents, pretend to be happy, and move on. They were always a disappointment. Over time, as I learned how to love and appreciate the people around me, other people’s birthdays began taking on meaning. I realized what a lovely thing it is to celebrate the day someone arrived in our world. I believe in celebrating beautiful relationships on a regular basis but it is nice to give someone you love (or yourself) one day that is set aside to celebrate them and do whatever and anything they want. An official ‘give-permission-to-be-you-day’?! I dig it.

Last year my 30^th birthday was a significant one for me. (see blogs: My journey as I approach 30 and Turning 30.) Approaching my 30^th inspired me to let go of fear-based living and to place an even greater value on relationships. In order to live these things, both really required me to let go of worrying about what others were thinking of me and to share myself – the real me. That’s why I started this blog and why I began sharing my art. Learning to be vulnerable has and is a process and those two avenues really helped me jump into it. I wanted it more than anything and I am a determined little lady.

This year my 31^st birthday present is a trip. More on that to come, but I am SO excited! I’ve found myself saying a lot lately that I’m not anywhere close to what I believed I wanted my life to look like at 31. And it’s cliché but true that where I am is so much better than anything I could have dreamed up. People who know me now would be stunned to know that a younger version of Liana thought she wanted to be married with children. To not work.  To plan fancy parties in a fancy house and put on lots of fancy fundraisers. To maybe have a clothing boutique on the side (so I could shop there – heaven forbid, work there). None of these things are wrong in themselves at all. But it makes me giggle to look back on because they are all the opposite of who I truly am and what makes me happy. They are great examples of the stories I bought into of what happiness looks like and how to know you’re doing “okay”. I trudged down the path to take me in that direction for years and became a beaten down version of me. Today at (almost!) 31, I walk into my tiny 1-bedroom artsy, hodge-podge apartment welcomed by my 2 kitties and am overwhelmed with happiness, love, and gratitude. I am not concerned whether or not I am ever in a long-term relationship because I’m so satisfied and happy just as I am. I couldn’t be less fancy. I hardly ever wear makeup, walk around in random outfits, have a lot of passions and hobbies that do not include hosting parties, love to work, and don’t fit the mold of what I envisioned at 15. People often comment that I’m really positive or smile a lot and it’s because my life is full. It didn’t become full on accident, it’s full because I’ve intentionally made it that way. Those who have known me long enough have seen the messy journey it’s been. And I can 100% say I wouldn’t change any of it.

Every day, I find myself thinking and saying out loud I LOVE being alive. After spending a significant number of years not enjoying life, it feels SO good to be able to say it and mean it. It doesn’t mean that every aspect of life is ideal, but there’s a leaning into that didn’t used to happen. I’m okay accepting something that isn’t comfortable or “what I want”.

Because I accept me, I now accept and love people more wholly. I used to spend a lot of energy concerning myself with whether or not people liked me or why someone might not want to spend time with me. And at the end of the day, just as I can choose that some people aren’t good fits for the way I want my life to be, others can pick if I don’t fit too. It can still hurt (who likes rejection?) but I have a deep peace that I’d rather stick to the truth of who I am than compromise that for other people. Even with the best of intentions, those types of compromise never work out well.

I love simplicity. I want to flit about and find others who want to flit around with me. Life isn’t complicated – it’s people who make it complicated. It’s much easier and smoother when we find other non-complicated, like-minded people to surround ourselves with. It makes me even happier. I feel like I laugh all the time and it’s because things fit.

At 15, I could lay out my life plan for you. People ask me now about different goals I have and I don’t have much that entails anything concrete. It’s not where or what I'm doing, it's who I am and how I’m living that are important to me. The rest is just details and increasingly seem to sort themselves out when down the BE YOU path.

That’s where I am as I approach the next official celebrate Liana day. For now, just 3 more weeks until my next exciting trip. Countdown has begun!

A pretend birthday celebration a couple of months ago.
Have a you-day whenever you want! 

No Second Chances

“No second chances.”

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These days one of my favorite ways to get a sweat on is at a fabulous spinning studio here in Austin called Ride. Having never been naturally athletic, I hadn’t really thought of myself as the spinning type. After a friend kept insisting I give it a try, I am now officially hooked. Lately I’ve been referring to Ride as “yoga for athletes” because despite the intensity of the classes, the entire 45 minutes makes you feel uplifted, encouraged, and inspired. The instructors use the music and remind Ride-ers that what happens in there can be taken out into the rest of our life. Life can be really really really hard and we get to pick our response. We get to pick how hard we climb up the hill, how much fun we have doing it, and whether we talk kindly to or are hard on ourselves through the process. I love being reminded of that and feel inspired being in a group of people dedicated to the same things.

***

Last week I was in a bit of a funk. I was having difficulty being present, feeling sad and getting frustrated with myself for not understanding what was going on or knowing how to make myself feel better. (Side note: be nice to yourself when you aren’t where you think you should be! Because…you are where you are and that means you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. And, chances are we are where we are to learn a little more lessons around that area. I was fighting this bi-ig time!)

In attempt to sort through what was going on, I hermit-ed up a bit thinking I needed alone time. It didn’t help. So I got in some girl time. Loved it. Had a conversation and was reminded that there were a few things I’ve been putting off dealing with because I didn’t want to deal with potential conflict (I haaate conflict) and as a result had been dragging my feet in other areas of my life. That conversation got me into a little spiral of extra productivity. It felt GOOD. I was encouraged. Then, I showed up at Ride and the theme of that class was “no second chances”. We don’t get them. We don’t get a second chance to put 100% into that workout. We don’t get a second chance to put our best foot forward in that job interview or at work. We don’t get a second chance to be ourselves in front of that boy or girl we’re crushing on. We don’t get a second chance to make the people in our lives feel special. We will never ever ever get any moment back again.

Every day our 100% isn’t going to be the same – it’s just not possible. As a friend jokingly reminded me recently as I began a run sprinting up a hill: every day isn’t race day. And that’s okay. I think there’s a 100% within that non-race-day that we can put out every day and that’s where I am. Thank you, Ride, for un-funk-ing me and for my newest mantra: no second chances.

Gardens and Love

A couple of weeks ago I took a staycation here in Austin. I wanted to experience the city the way I would if I were a tourist so my plan was to try new things and visit new places. High on the list of places to go was Umlauf Sculpture Garden and I’m so glad to have made it a priority. It truly is a magical place and I highly recommend visiting if you haven’t.

Gazing around at the different sculptures, I found myself drawn to the ones I picture in this post: the beautiful form of a woman forever held in a state of what looks to be freedom, delight, and ecstasy, a young boy lost in the pleasure of youth – his only concern being excitement about bounding into a lake, and two couples forever entwined in each other’s passionate embrace. It got me thinking about what inspired the artists to sculpt these particular moments, emotions, and individuals. It made me think about the depth of the love and gratefulness for these relationships these artists must have had or observed in others and in turn, what a beautiful way to celebrate and leave behind for the world to have forever.

I have zero green thumb ability (see previous post for a funny story on this) but make it a priority to visit gardens when traveling anywhere new. I periodically visit the Botanical Gardens here in Austin so I can see what new things are blooming. There is something delightfully romantic about meandering along dirt paths that are strewn with bright colors, big trees, sunshine, birds chirping, and butterflies flitting about that makes my heart feel full.  I am also reminded of a story about a garden I once heard: of a man and wife who loved each other dearly. The wife adored beautiful flowers and so her husband created an exquisite garden for her – with little streams, rose bushes, ivies, and many other beautiful plants.  When she passed, he continued tending to the garden as an expression of his love to her. From my understanding this was about 50-100 years ago and the garden is now a part of the city and continues to flourish. I find that to be such a wonderful expression of love – the symbolism of the beauty of nature, the continual growth, change and even death that this garden goes through. Just as relationships grow, change and have different areas flourish at different times, at some point things will end. At some point no one is around with memories to talk about the beauty that existed. This garden will forever sing about their love and there is something that seems so right about that.

Maybe that’s part of why I appreciate art so much. Books, music, paintings, photography, sculptures, buildings…they all have a story. Sometimes we know it and sometimes we don’t. I love the story and I love that it lasts.

And I think about these things in my day-to-day life. We can’t all create a magnificent garden for someone but we can create a dynamic that is worthy of celebration.

While gardens and art and things that can be left behind are beautiful reminders that I will forever enjoy, in the end it’s still just a symbol. When I think about the people I associate love with, it’s the twinkle in their eye, the smile that uncontrollably pops onto their face, the spontaneous feeling-full hugs, the gentleness of their presence that without words says, I’m here for you. I know that eventually life as I know it and relationships as I know it will end, but I believe those other things somehow live on. And that is why visiting gardens makes me so happy. Gardens remind me that today matters both because we all have a last day and because what we do today has the possibility to grow into something incredibly beautiful. While the beauty we plant today might not be seen through the original gardener, the love we strew about the world can grow bigger and bigger. That’s pretty powerful.