Cheers to YOU!

This is the beginning of my staycation in Austin. I have been comparing what this time would be like to how my time was in Cayman because I don’t have much else to compare it to. I wanted to take some time to experience Austin the way I would as a tourist….go to new places, do things I don’t normally do, retire my car for a few days, and just do and go with what I’m feeling like doing in the moment. So far it’s been quite lovely.

I rode my bike around yesterday afternoon and ended up on S. 1^st – a strip mixture of new restaurants, coffee shops, art galleries, and the like. I had dinner at Sway, a Thai fusion restaurant along with a few glasses of bubbles. It was a lovely start to my ‘trip’. Sitting there I couldn’t help but think back to my time of long meals and drinks and dear experiences I had in the Cayman Islands. When I went to the Cayman Islands, I was looking for something. I knew I needed to be alone. I knew there was something in me I had to sit with and face head on. My trip was amazing but much of it was filled with anxiety. I could hardly sleep and didn’t know why. Towards the end of the trip things started coming out but it took awhile to get there.

Approaching this ‘trip’ has been an entirely different experience. I don’t feel the need to be alone at all. I do love my alone time but the intense need for it has dissipated and is replaced by an interwoven life of interactions and quiet. It doesn’t have to be either/or anymore. I’ve always wanted to connect with people but experiences taught me to keep a safe distance. That need for distance is being replaced by a new blend of socializing and quiet, spontaneity and structure, creating and admiring, simply be-ing and productivity.

Sitting at dinner last night I said a toast to myself. I’m really proud of and happy for who I am and told myself so! I am also equally happy, thankful, and proud of my messy little path to get here. I’m still meandering along and probably always will. Life has become fun, mistakes funny, and stresses no longer a threat to peace. People are safe again. I trust myself and am learning to be confident with my choices. That came from lots of grappling through tough times and with uncomfortable emotions. No one else can make us okay. No amount of money or possessions. No relationship, no marriage, no job, no child, no house, no working yourself into the ground, no trip, no accomplishment, no clothing item, no magazine body. What is there when everything is stripped away? Either actively or passively, we all get to decide. Someone once said to me that no matter what, life happens. We can either take part in it and choose the direction or life will pick for us. The thing that makes my life different from 5, 10, 15 years ago is that now I pick the direction. And I pick it intentionally. That is powerful.

Yesterday I was asked how people change and become different. I think some people experience something extreme that makes them reassess their life while others have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right. I’ve had both.

The intentional path I’m currently on began when I was 20 years old. I hit a pretty low place and a very small voice inside me whispered that I had a choice: to continue the path I was on or believe that life could be happy – that I could be happy. I chose the second option and completely re-did my life. I made new friends. I made flashcards of the things I wanted to be thinking about and plastered them in my car, on mirrors, in my closet, by my bed, in books, everywhere. I read everything I could get my hands on that was uplifting. I intentionally changed my thought patterns to where I no longer said mean things to myself, no longer cussed, and for the first time really believed I had worth for no other reason than being alive. It sounds extreme and it was. I was desperate for a new sense of self, for happiness, and clung to the belief that it existed.

My whole life I knew something wasn’t right and went down many typical paths of trying to fill that “un-right-ness”. I wasn’t happy, was depressed, and searched out many places to fill that hole. In hindsight, I can see these different periods as expressions of discontent. All I wanted was someone to tell me that everything would be okay, that I would be okay, and give me a hand. It took a long time to find that person and am grateful to have learned the gift of a real friend, the freedom of acceptance, that it’s okay to ask for help, and the healing power of love.

People ask how I can go out to eat on my own and kinda giggle at me toasting myself (it is a little funny..) : )  but who better than me who knows the path I’ve been on and who better than me to say rock on, sister!

If you are on a path that doesn’t feel authentic to your true self, change it. Do whatever you need to do. Life is way too short to spend it with people who don’t make you more you, more whole, better, and happier. Life is too short to do things you don’t really like. Live a life where you can confidently toast yourself. We all deserve getting a cheers and who better to raise a glass to your awesome self, than you?

And while I'm at it, cheers to the amazing little tribe of people I have in my life. You know who you are and I love you and am so very grateful. Thank you for loving me too.