Cheers to YOU!

This is the beginning of my staycation in Austin. I have been comparing what this time would be like to how my time was in Cayman because I don’t have much else to compare it to. I wanted to take some time to experience Austin the way I would as a tourist….go to new places, do things I don’t normally do, retire my car for a few days, and just do and go with what I’m feeling like doing in the moment. So far it’s been quite lovely.

I rode my bike around yesterday afternoon and ended up on S. 1^st – a strip mixture of new restaurants, coffee shops, art galleries, and the like. I had dinner at Sway, a Thai fusion restaurant along with a few glasses of bubbles. It was a lovely start to my ‘trip’. Sitting there I couldn’t help but think back to my time of long meals and drinks and dear experiences I had in the Cayman Islands. When I went to the Cayman Islands, I was looking for something. I knew I needed to be alone. I knew there was something in me I had to sit with and face head on. My trip was amazing but much of it was filled with anxiety. I could hardly sleep and didn’t know why. Towards the end of the trip things started coming out but it took awhile to get there.

Approaching this ‘trip’ has been an entirely different experience. I don’t feel the need to be alone at all. I do love my alone time but the intense need for it has dissipated and is replaced by an interwoven life of interactions and quiet. It doesn’t have to be either/or anymore. I’ve always wanted to connect with people but experiences taught me to keep a safe distance. That need for distance is being replaced by a new blend of socializing and quiet, spontaneity and structure, creating and admiring, simply be-ing and productivity.

Sitting at dinner last night I said a toast to myself. I’m really proud of and happy for who I am and told myself so! I am also equally happy, thankful, and proud of my messy little path to get here. I’m still meandering along and probably always will. Life has become fun, mistakes funny, and stresses no longer a threat to peace. People are safe again. I trust myself and am learning to be confident with my choices. That came from lots of grappling through tough times and with uncomfortable emotions. No one else can make us okay. No amount of money or possessions. No relationship, no marriage, no job, no child, no house, no working yourself into the ground, no trip, no accomplishment, no clothing item, no magazine body. What is there when everything is stripped away? Either actively or passively, we all get to decide. Someone once said to me that no matter what, life happens. We can either take part in it and choose the direction or life will pick for us. The thing that makes my life different from 5, 10, 15 years ago is that now I pick the direction. And I pick it intentionally. That is powerful.

Yesterday I was asked how people change and become different. I think some people experience something extreme that makes them reassess their life while others have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right. I’ve had both.

The intentional path I’m currently on began when I was 20 years old. I hit a pretty low place and a very small voice inside me whispered that I had a choice: to continue the path I was on or believe that life could be happy – that I could be happy. I chose the second option and completely re-did my life. I made new friends. I made flashcards of the things I wanted to be thinking about and plastered them in my car, on mirrors, in my closet, by my bed, in books, everywhere. I read everything I could get my hands on that was uplifting. I intentionally changed my thought patterns to where I no longer said mean things to myself, no longer cussed, and for the first time really believed I had worth for no other reason than being alive. It sounds extreme and it was. I was desperate for a new sense of self, for happiness, and clung to the belief that it existed.

My whole life I knew something wasn’t right and went down many typical paths of trying to fill that “un-right-ness”. I wasn’t happy, was depressed, and searched out many places to fill that hole. In hindsight, I can see these different periods as expressions of discontent. All I wanted was someone to tell me that everything would be okay, that I would be okay, and give me a hand. It took a long time to find that person and am grateful to have learned the gift of a real friend, the freedom of acceptance, that it’s okay to ask for help, and the healing power of love.

People ask how I can go out to eat on my own and kinda giggle at me toasting myself (it is a little funny..) : )  but who better than me who knows the path I’ve been on and who better than me to say rock on, sister!

If you are on a path that doesn’t feel authentic to your true self, change it. Do whatever you need to do. Life is way too short to spend it with people who don’t make you more you, more whole, better, and happier. Life is too short to do things you don’t really like. Live a life where you can confidently toast yourself. We all deserve getting a cheers and who better to raise a glass to your awesome self, than you?

And while I'm at it, cheers to the amazing little tribe of people I have in my life. You know who you are and I love you and am so very grateful. Thank you for loving me too.

Why be Happy When You Could be Normal?

What exactly am I doing during those hours I insist on having alone time? Lots of random things go on in my house – dance parties, sing-off’s with my cats (seriously), but mainly it’s a time for me to create. When I have spells of not expressing creatively, I’m not happy. That’s the bottom line. Creativity takes many forms but last Friday night I found myself writing a poem in response to the book I’m currently reading, Why be Happy When You Could be Normal?

I was instantly drawn to this book simply because of the title. We all have those people in our life – parents, acquaintances, friends, lovers, cousins, partners, even ourselves – who perhaps not explicitly, implicitly ask us this question all the time. What a terrible thing to bring to any relationship - causing people to question who they are, things they love to do, and their cool little quirks (we all got ‘em and they rock).

The last time I wrote a poem was probably in middle school and I guess I was ready for another. My emphatic answer to that question…

take away from me

i will create anew

something beautiful

unique

and true.

Choose your happy and toss out normal. It’s made up anyways.

Sunday Morning Musings

“Do we see what we think we see? Do we love as we believe we love?”

It has been several months since I’ve sat down to be quiet and listen to what is going on in my heart. It’s rare to go this long without a check in but it’s been a particularly busy time. By now I know myself well enough to recognize the tugs of my heart letting me know it’s time to reset so I took time to do so this weekend. I’m a big believer in the often thrown around statement of not being able to give others what we aren’t able to give ourselves. It’s true. And the more I’m able to get to know myself and treat myself in the way I want to be treated and treat others, the more and more the relationships I have are strengthened and fun and light and beautiful. It’s counterintuitive but the more I know and love me and am able to sit with myself, the more I am able to know and love and sit with people in my life.

There is a continual quest in my heart for living the absolute best life I can and to do the things that matter. What are the things that matter? We all get to pick what our life story is about and I pick love. It sounds cliché but this includes a lot. I’m talking about friendships, family, random encounters, romantic relationships, and the sharing of oneself.

This last thing – the sharing of one’s self – seems to be the most important. I have experienced the most delight when I have not only been given permission to be myself but absolutely adored for that. I think we’d all be hard pressed to say there aren’t many tugs in our lives asking us to act in certain ways, think certain ways, look certain ways, etc – but essentially – the world gives a mold of what’s right and many of us try to form ourselves to that shape. It’s a wonderful experience to create our own blueprint and not just live it out but love living it out. I think it can confuse people but I also believe it invites the people around us to be more who they are. And when I am most me and you are most you, the connection that is created is pretty darn cool. These are the silliest, most real, most unguarded moments I have and that’s what I want my life to be about. I want to be able to meet someone and in 5 minutes share an experience that is real even if we never see each other again. I want to have people in my life who know that we can cry and joke and hold each other and play and nothing changes. We both get to show up just as we are, be wherever we are and express it. It’s safe to be you and it’s safe to be me. There’s nothing threatening about it. There is trust. Nothing is forced. It’s energizing, and being together makes you better.

Some people don’t understand why my alone time is so dear and why I’d choose to stay in on a Friday night to do things that make me happy. That’s okay. All I know is that when I can sit with myself and wrestle with my heart, I can sit with anyone in the world who is hurting and love and hold them through it. For me, that’s what life is about.

[being alone] “isn’t a hiding place. It is a finding place.”