Celebrating 31.

This is the first birthday I’ve wanted to celebrate so much. Technically I’ve already had 2 celebrations and today am at the third. Growing up, I didn’t believe in myself or that I was worth anything at all. So each year when asked what I wanted to do for my birthday I said nothing, felt uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, and like there was something wrong with me. I often felt sad around my birthday. I hated the attention and just wanted it to pass by. I didn’t want to be seen. I preferred to blend in, not make any waves, and look like everyone else. I didn’t want anyone to make a fuss over me because I didn’t believe I deserved it. When your rules are: “Go with the flow, make everyone like you, smile, behave, act ‘normal’, and please don’t notice I’m pretending”, it’s pretty uncomfortable to have all attention on you because what if someone sees you’re faking it? Or worse, they might see a glimmer of the real you and not like it? It can be a lot easier to pretend.

I’ve said this in other blog posts but things started shifting for me in my early 20’s – there was a definite moment where I knew my life had to change or I would literally destroy myself. There’s only so long you can go on living feeling so terribly about yourself. It took a relationship where it was insisted I believe in myself to really internalize I was worth anything and believe I deserved (we all do) to be seen and celebrated. What happened is that someone saw that shimmering real part of me and wholeheartedly believed in it. And loved every single ugly, honest, raw, wounded piece of me. Who gave and gave and gave. Who insisted I was deserving of love – and that I should demand that type of love from myself and from every person I allow in my world. That I was good enough. Over time I learned that every thought and feeling wasn’t wrong or to be feared but information about my inner workings and worth appreciating. I was aching to be accepted and didn’t really know how to interact with people who did just that so pushed a lot of wonderful people away. When a big surprise party was thrown for me, my eyes were opened to the fact that not only did this person love me, a LOT of people love me. When I walked in and saw the variety of people who had come together for me, I was floored. I honestly didn’t know that many people could like me. After the party, I was given stacks of letters from everyone invited. The letters shared what they thought of me – these were all people I kept at an arms length – and I was overcome by emotion. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Deep wounds began to heal and I began inviting people in. My capacity to share my heart and myself began to further grow. I learned the power of relationships and of love and found myself committed to creating real and meaningful interactions. It was through this commitment and falling short that helped me learn the cliché that first I had to truly and deeply love and be committed to myself before any type of relationship could be successful. And that’s what I set out to do and have done. That’s what made my 30^th such a milestone and why I’m thrilled to celebrate 31.  

Most birthdays I’ve felt very alone and today I feel more love than I’ve ever felt in my life. You see me and I see you. Every single gift, card, and correspondence I’ve received this year screams my name. My friends know ME – the real “pleasantly dorky” me – not the version of me I think they might like or the version of me that’s socially acceptable. They get the messy parts and that means we get to love each other more fully because we both show up. I find myself writing thank you notes and what feels like love letters/texts to my friends because the love and gratitude I feel for the people in my life is overwhelming and naturally pours out.

***

Do what makes you happy, go where you love, and be with the people who make you more you. If you don’t know what you like and aren’t surrounded by people you jive with down to your soul, find what and who does. Find yourself and honor it. Make it your mission. Maybe we’ll have all the time in the world and maybe life will be gone before we know it. It doesn’t really matter. Find your truth and celebrate the heck out of it. Right now.