Looking back on 2014

My first painting in almost a year. I started collecting words to make a vision board a few years ago and that project got pushed to the side. Then I started this painting over a year ago and it also got set aside. Recently the two somehow merged and this painting became my vision board. Just as my courage to write is coming back, so is my courage to create. I love that it has all lined up together.

Life has a funny way of circling around. I’ve been struggling to find the courage to post on my blog because of how long it’s been. Then I got a notification in Timehop that a year and a few days ago I posted my last blog. So whether or not I feel ‘ready’ or that what I have to say is ‘good enough’, I’m going to start posting again. As with everything in life, there’s never a ‘right’ time so everyday can be the right time. It’s time to be fully me again. I love to write and be part of a community where people share their experiences. So, here goes…

I started writing this blog at the end of 2014 followed by months riddled with confusion, darkness, and deep unhappiness. I knew I would begin finding clarity if I started writing again but didn’t know where to start and no longer felt confident enough to put thoughts on paper. After taking so much time off from nourishing and taking care of myself, it was intimidating to sit down and write. It was strange to find places that historically have been my safe haven feel so foreign. So I took baby steps in caring for myself again and it’s in taking these tiny movements forward that I find myself leaps away from where I was.

Hindsight is a great gift and as time continues to pass brings much clarity to decisions made and with that comes a peace - and with peace, forgiveness. It’s also helped me find what I believe are the foundations for happiness and healthy relationships.

I now understand there is an extremely delicate balance between self and other and that if someone asks me to sacrifice any part of myself that is intrinsically me or part of my self care, I will be heading in the other direction. I’ve also learned how to know whether any relationship (friendships too) are worth investing in. To me, it’s two people who are willing to meet the other where the other is and not attempt to change where the other person is – those differences create such beautiful opportunities to learn and grow. The truth is that everyone loses when we sacrifice ourselves. If we’re able to be honest about little signs when getting to know someone, or applying this to current relationships as getting to know ourselves, so much pain and difficulty can be avoided.  

Seven things I discovered about relationships and happiness last year:

-     To watch people and pay more attention to what they do and less to what they say. People seem to show who they are far better than their words. I’ve heard it for years but have come to learn that people who talk the most are the ones who are hiding. The people who don’t go around barking their beliefs don’t have to because who they are is glaringly obvious through the things they do, their relationships, and how they treat people.

-     To show up fully myself and rid my life of the people who want me to be different. The ways people ask others to change can be subtle and confusing and over time has devastating effects. I consider life too precious and time too fleeting to have people around who want me to be different. A healthy relationship will never ask me to stop nourishing myself.

-     How to navigate the dance of being simultaneously connected to others and myself. I’ve swung a lot between over-hibernating and over socializing and now I’m learning to balance the two. I’m able to learn it after taking the time to be really honest about out who I am and part of that is someone who needs time and space to recharge. This one is tough for me but when I’m not so preoccupied with continually making others happy, it turns out I’m able to give so much more.

-      Just because someone else says something doesn’t make it right. I tend to look to others as the ‘experts’ and I’m learning to speak up too. Sometimes what others say has zero to do with me and is actually an echo of their experiences being projected outward. I’m learning to take time to process what others say and not pressure myself to give a quick response. My pace is a little slower than most and that’s okay. If someone finds my pace too slow and gets impatient, then we’re probably going to have difficulty getting in sync.

-      If it’s right, it shouldn’t be hard. Relationships that require a lot of maintenance and time aren’t a fit for me. Life is too short to consistently be butting heads.

-      To be honest about where I am and share not just my joys but also my hurts with my support system. I have a tendency to isolate when I’m hurting which is probably the worst thing to do because it makes things darker and scarier. Thoughts get so jumbled when they stay in our heads but the moment we say them out loud and lean on a friend, we can gain clarity and connect. Connection makes everything feel brighter.

-      A healthy relationship is two whole and independent people who genuinely want the best for the other and support each other towards their dreams and goals. So many people are looking for the other to fill their holes. I believe in two whole people who walk side by side.

There were moments last year when I felt I was wasting my life. It’s a terrible feeling but as with all feelings, passed and I now have a much greater understanding of why I needed those lessons. Just as with all challenges, I was presented the opportunity to gain deeper understanding of who I am which brings deeper satisfaction and truth to my whole life.

For now, it just feels so good to be dreaming and laughing again. 

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye?

This is where my soul found feet.

This is where love began.

Creativity fulfilled.

Questions answered.

Hope renewed.

How do you say goodbye?

Trust.

How do you say goodbye?

The world became bigger.

Happier. Joyful.

Gratitude learned.

How do you say goodbye?

To beautiful.

To simple celebrations.

To quiet mornings.

How do you say goodbye?

Tears fall.

I’m not ready.

Never was.

Pages keep turning.

I am powerless.

Moments of clarity.

Moments of fear.

Moments of heartbreak.

I stand tall.

Moments become days become months become years.

I am different now.

But the question stays the same.

How do you say goodbye?

I don’t want to say goodbye.

Make it Count.

Part of what I love about having a blog is having the ability to look back at specific snapshots in my life and see the shifts that have happened over time. Several weeks ago I decided that I’d like to start saying yes more. When I looked back at my 2013 goals, I had a bit of a giggle reading and remembering that a big goal for the year was learning to say no. I’d say I mastered that and now it’s time to balance my no’s with some yes’es.

It’s also incredible to read the things I wrote in 2012 and then in 2013 and see what different years they were thematically. 2012 was spent much in reaction to having my heart broken. 2013 was all about relationships. 

The end of my last romantic relationship left me in quite a mess and to get through it, I had to rediscover what makes me happy as an individual. I cried a LOT and was angry. And through the process of raw honesty, discovered me. Through that discovery my relationships became richer and life sweeter. As with all difficulties, it serves as a reminder that any hard time can be a gift if we choose for it to be so. We can become cynical and bitter or we can become happier and better versions of ourselves. There is always a choice. Where are you today? What do you want? The possibilities are endless.

I’m a big believer in the capacity for human change and growth. And it’s because I’ve experienced it. People who meet me today have no idea that I used to be chronically depressed. Most people don’t know about an incredibly trying time I went through several years ago that was the perfect recipe to turn me into a paranoid, distrustful, and hateful person. They see a very happy person – and as with us all - what is seen today is just a snapshot.

What is your “depression” or horrific experience - your thing (or things!) - you don’t believe you can let go of? The start of a new year is a great time to consider that perhaps you can let go of ____ and that quite possibly the only thing standing in the way is you. You can, you can, you can. Pick what you want and chase the hell out of it. Create your life. And give the people around you space to do the same. Compassion outward begins with compassion inward. Believe in change for yourself and you create space for the people around you to change too. Want the best for the people around you – even if they aren’t your friends and even if you don’t particularly care for them. They’re trying too. I believe we all are.

Many people base their goals only around fitness or health related things and, despite being in the fitness industry, I challenge to you think beyond fitness. Think about yourself as the whole person that you are. Are you happy? If not, discover what makes you happy. Being skinny or muscular isn’t the answer to happiness. Physical health is only part of the picture (and whether people find you attractive or not is zero part of it). Commit to YOU. Who are you? What makes your soul sing?

If what you want feels too big and scary, make a small step towards that change. The smallest steps are often what feel like the biggest leaps and are what take you the whole way. Change is possible. Empower yourself this year. Just pick 1 thing. You might find you keep going and discover a person you only dreamed possible.

Joy of Nothing

I was recently introduced to a song by Foy Vance – Joy of Nothing. I find myself sitting still several times a day just to listen to and soak up this song. The lyrics I cling to that so deeply touch my soul:

The joy of nothing is a sweeter something

And I will hold it in my heart

I will hold it in my heart.

Earlier this week marked the 38^th anniversary of my parents deciding to take a chance, believe in their love, and say yes to making a go at spending the rest of their lives together. From their love my sisters and I were brought into this world so talking about things I’m grateful for doesn’t make sense without mentioning them. They instilled many of the core foundations and beliefs I hold so dearly today.

Moomy and Daddy, I don’t tell you enough and in case you ever question your legacy, don’t. And if you do, please read and re-read this. You’ve given me so much more than what I’m about to list, but here are some of the things I think of most often. Thank you for giving and teaching me:

-       An innate respect for all things living.

-       An ability to ignore and not take part in gossip. To discover truths about people on my own. I have the utmost respect for your elegance and privacy.

-       That the importance of following passion, discovering your own path, and following your heart is always the right direction. I will forever remember a conversation my dad and I once had. He told me that life is a road. We all have a road we set out on and as we walk along our road, there are road signs, streets, and people enticing us to get off and go on a different road or into the bushes. He said sometimes we will go a different direction and that it’s okay but to always make sure to come back to our road. I am so thankful to have been encouraged to discover and stay true to ME and to get rid of the people who don’t fit.

-       To enthusiastically say yes when someone asks for help and that no matter how many dollars are in the bank, there is always something to give.

-       An ability, passion, and respect for hard work.

-       A belief in education and lifelong learning. An understanding that credentials don’t make someone ‘educated’ or ‘smart’.
-   That family is sacred.

-       The value of laughter and not bringing stress into a relationship. There is a ginormous difference between being able to lean on one another without burdening one another. Disagreements aren’t solved by yelling and being nasty. I watched and now value the strength it takes to have an incredibly soft, compassionate, and loving heart while simultaneously knowing how to say no, have self-respect, and set boundaries.

    And while I’m at it…some other things I’m grateful for:

-       I don’t know what it means to be hungry. I am incredibly wealthy to have never had to miss a meal.

-      My mind. I love to learn and think. I love having the ability to get lost in books, art, and experiences. I’m grateful I don’t know what it means to be bored.

-       My body. I’m continually blown away by how seamlessly my body works. Sure, there are days I feel less than stellar but I can breathe easily and digest my food. I can see, eat, and have four fully functioning limbs. I find much joy both in using my body to be physically active and to sit in stillness enraptured by my senses. I LOVE being alive.

-       My relationships. From my best friends to the acquaintances in my life, it blows my mind that all the people I’m in regular communication with are people I adore and respect. I often find my heart overwhelmed with the love I have for the people in my life and am grateful for the never-ending expansiveness of the heart. Loving has become sort of an addiction and it couldn’t be more sweet.

-      My work. I’m grateful for the ability to share the magic of movement, the incredible instructors who share this passion, our dedicated and inspiring clients, and the numerous amount of family, friends, and mentors who have supported and encouraged along the way.

-       My “skittles” (cats). They are batty, quirky, make me laugh, move my heart, and keep me warm at night. They are purrrrrrrfect! J

-       All things simple. My gratitude list could go on for miles and what I always come back to is that the things, people, and experiences that make me most happy are the most simple. It’s those moments when two friends come together with mussed up hair and weird outfits to share an evening of hysterical laughter, dress-up, and tears. It’s every morning the sun rises yet again and we have another go at writing a page of our life story. It’s keeping in mind how important life is and how non-important the noise is. It’s the loud uncontrollable laughter, the hugs, the love that exists everywhere around us, and the desire to slow down, pause and take notice.
   
    What am I most thankful for? That I can so deeply feel the joy of nothing.

Celebrating 31.

This is the first birthday I’ve wanted to celebrate so much. Technically I’ve already had 2 celebrations and today am at the third. Growing up, I didn’t believe in myself or that I was worth anything at all. So each year when asked what I wanted to do for my birthday I said nothing, felt uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, and like there was something wrong with me. I often felt sad around my birthday. I hated the attention and just wanted it to pass by. I didn’t want to be seen. I preferred to blend in, not make any waves, and look like everyone else. I didn’t want anyone to make a fuss over me because I didn’t believe I deserved it. When your rules are: “Go with the flow, make everyone like you, smile, behave, act ‘normal’, and please don’t notice I’m pretending”, it’s pretty uncomfortable to have all attention on you because what if someone sees you’re faking it? Or worse, they might see a glimmer of the real you and not like it? It can be a lot easier to pretend.

I’ve said this in other blog posts but things started shifting for me in my early 20’s – there was a definite moment where I knew my life had to change or I would literally destroy myself. There’s only so long you can go on living feeling so terribly about yourself. It took a relationship where it was insisted I believe in myself to really internalize I was worth anything and believe I deserved (we all do) to be seen and celebrated. What happened is that someone saw that shimmering real part of me and wholeheartedly believed in it. And loved every single ugly, honest, raw, wounded piece of me. Who gave and gave and gave. Who insisted I was deserving of love – and that I should demand that type of love from myself and from every person I allow in my world. That I was good enough. Over time I learned that every thought and feeling wasn’t wrong or to be feared but information about my inner workings and worth appreciating. I was aching to be accepted and didn’t really know how to interact with people who did just that so pushed a lot of wonderful people away. When a big surprise party was thrown for me, my eyes were opened to the fact that not only did this person love me, a LOT of people love me. When I walked in and saw the variety of people who had come together for me, I was floored. I honestly didn’t know that many people could like me. After the party, I was given stacks of letters from everyone invited. The letters shared what they thought of me – these were all people I kept at an arms length – and I was overcome by emotion. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Deep wounds began to heal and I began inviting people in. My capacity to share my heart and myself began to further grow. I learned the power of relationships and of love and found myself committed to creating real and meaningful interactions. It was through this commitment and falling short that helped me learn the cliché that first I had to truly and deeply love and be committed to myself before any type of relationship could be successful. And that’s what I set out to do and have done. That’s what made my 30^th such a milestone and why I’m thrilled to celebrate 31.  

Most birthdays I’ve felt very alone and today I feel more love than I’ve ever felt in my life. You see me and I see you. Every single gift, card, and correspondence I’ve received this year screams my name. My friends know ME – the real “pleasantly dorky” me – not the version of me I think they might like or the version of me that’s socially acceptable. They get the messy parts and that means we get to love each other more fully because we both show up. I find myself writing thank you notes and what feels like love letters/texts to my friends because the love and gratitude I feel for the people in my life is overwhelming and naturally pours out.

***

Do what makes you happy, go where you love, and be with the people who make you more you. If you don’t know what you like and aren’t surrounded by people you jive with down to your soul, find what and who does. Find yourself and honor it. Make it your mission. Maybe we’ll have all the time in the world and maybe life will be gone before we know it. It doesn’t really matter. Find your truth and celebrate the heck out of it. Right now.

Off I Go! Solo Vay-cay 2013.

Walking into the airport this morning I was flooded by a sense of freedom and overwhelming joy.

***

Traveling was a big part of my family’s life so it’s natural to now be reminded of these times when traveling on my own. I can’t help but marvel at how nothing has changed except for my perspective.

When I think back to traveling with my family, several very clear pictures pop into my head. Without fail, I was the last one getting in the already running car, blankets trailing behind me, carrying several stuffed animals, slightly oblivious to the fact that there was a schedule to be kept and that the people in the car were more than annoyed with me. Always carefree and not too concerned with the task at hand, preferring a slower pace of life where there’s always time for one more hug. And my dad – on the opposite end of the spectrum - insistent on being at the airport several hours early only to then sprint to the gate despite being comically early. Remembering our times in the airport makes me laugh. Imagine a family of five sprinting through airports led by an Italian man on a mission, followed by two of his equally mission-driven daughters and farrrrr behind a little girl dropping different stuffed animals every few steps with a frustrated mother pulling the little girl’s hand in attempt to keep the family together and be sure the youngest wasn’t lost. It’s kind of ridiculous. Along the way I’ve come to find that it doesn’t matter how fast we go or how urgent we make a situation seem, it doesn’t make much difference to the end result. What will be affected is your state of mind and your relationships. Noticing this has all but eliminated ‘being stressed out’ from my daily experience. Life is much more enjoyable.

***

My morning thus far has been perfect. Despite having a 4:45am leave time, I didn’t finish packing until 4:40am (this gave me a good 5 minutes of goodbye cuddles with my cats!). I called a cab 20 minutes before I needed to leave. I meandered into the airport only to be pulled to the side by security and frisked for explosives and anything else that could be on my body to pose danger to the plane. The whole time I chatted away and laughed knowing full well the flight had already boarded.  Post-frisk I stayed true to my Austin airport ritual and stopped to grab a couple of breakfast tacos. I was the last person to board and it was just fine! My tacos and I found ourselves next to a nice man and spent most of the 4 hour flight talking about life, passion, drive, and the fragility of building a life based on possessions. Now given precious time from a layover, I’ve found myself cuddled up in a booth, far away from my gate musing and spending time to write about my experiences. These are the things I’d like to remember so I write about them. These sweet little moments are lost when I’m stressed about getting everywhere in a hurry. I spent years following the stress blueprint that many of us do and it’s so much more fun to enjoy everything! And because I contained myself for so long, these are the moments of pure enjoyment and exhilaration – connecting with people – strangers and the people I love, recognizing the shift in how I view every day occurrences, being spontaneous, knowing I used to ache to go out and experience life but was too dependent on the people around me to do anything I really wanted. This pure happiness is directly related to the deep gratitude I feel for these wonderful moments and connections. It just feels dang good to get out there, be yourself, and do whatever the heck you want.

So, here we go solo vacation #2! Time to meander, take my time, get “lost”, and maybe drop a few things along the way.

Thank you, discomfort.

There are moments, days, and seasons that cause us to stop and listen. Today was one that caused me to step back, put some pieces together, and have a little bit of an “ah, yes – I get it” and even a “it’s happening moment”.

***

As the youngest child I was babied a lot. I loved it when I was younger but as I grew, so did a strong stubborn streak and sense of determination. I began to despise feeling reliant on others. A large part of this was emotionally driven – I really did need to find my voice – but over time it traversed into other areas.

Someone who’s opinion I really value, told me several months back that while independence is a wonderful thing, it’s also nice to let the people who care about you know they are needed. She told me that while being independent is admirable, it also pushes people away. She kinda called me out. While this conversation was in regards to romantic relationships, this comment has since been in my head a lot as I’ve more and more realized how difficult it can be to allow the people who care to actually show and express it. I don’t think I’m alone in this – receiving love stretches your capacity for loving and increases the chances of getting hurt by a lot. It is scary scary scary.

So, I’ve been noticing and practicing. Practicing letting people I love and who love me, know when I need help and asking for it. Saying out loud how hard it is and sitting with that discomfort. Giving and receiving real hugs (you know what I’m talking about). Telling a couple of my girlfriends that it’s scary to be this emotionally vulnerable. And guess what? Practicing in my ‘safe places’ has helped me take that into other areas of my life. I believe Thomas Jefferson referred to this as stepping into the arena.

No interaction has any guarantee. We never know how someone will react. It’s just that the more important it seems, the riskier it feels. When we give our whole self to someone we love (I’m not just talking romantic here), the uncertainty of reciprocation forces you to step back and say, I trust you and I believe in you. It’s scary but feels good. The closer we allow ourselves to become to someone, the less we can hold on. I refer to this as living with open palms and love that feeling. The more I’ve loved something or someone, the more I realize that my grip needs to be non-existent as does its/theirs on me. I suppose the early years of being babied and my fierce independence have merged into an existence that is both capable of living on my own but doesn’t want to. I want to give and take care of the people around me and allow them to give and take care of me too. Relating in this way matters and – to me – is everything.

My blogs seem to be ending with a lot of thank you’s lately. It’s hard not to have thank you on repeat when I am continually overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m grateful for the overwhelming sense that the world is full of amazingly generous people. I’m grateful for the uncomfortable moments that give me pause and ask what is causing me to feel that way. I’m grateful to the people and moments that challenge me. And most recently, I’m grateful for the silly injury I have that has forced me to slow down my entire life and re-examine what it is that makes me happy.

Thank you, discomfort for being the little path to making changes. I love foraging along together.