Thank you, discomfort.

There are moments, days, and seasons that cause us to stop and listen. Today was one that caused me to step back, put some pieces together, and have a little bit of an “ah, yes – I get it” and even a “it’s happening moment”.

***

As the youngest child I was babied a lot. I loved it when I was younger but as I grew, so did a strong stubborn streak and sense of determination. I began to despise feeling reliant on others. A large part of this was emotionally driven – I really did need to find my voice – but over time it traversed into other areas.

Someone who’s opinion I really value, told me several months back that while independence is a wonderful thing, it’s also nice to let the people who care about you know they are needed. She told me that while being independent is admirable, it also pushes people away. She kinda called me out. While this conversation was in regards to romantic relationships, this comment has since been in my head a lot as I’ve more and more realized how difficult it can be to allow the people who care to actually show and express it. I don’t think I’m alone in this – receiving love stretches your capacity for loving and increases the chances of getting hurt by a lot. It is scary scary scary.

So, I’ve been noticing and practicing. Practicing letting people I love and who love me, know when I need help and asking for it. Saying out loud how hard it is and sitting with that discomfort. Giving and receiving real hugs (you know what I’m talking about). Telling a couple of my girlfriends that it’s scary to be this emotionally vulnerable. And guess what? Practicing in my ‘safe places’ has helped me take that into other areas of my life. I believe Thomas Jefferson referred to this as stepping into the arena.

No interaction has any guarantee. We never know how someone will react. It’s just that the more important it seems, the riskier it feels. When we give our whole self to someone we love (I’m not just talking romantic here), the uncertainty of reciprocation forces you to step back and say, I trust you and I believe in you. It’s scary but feels good. The closer we allow ourselves to become to someone, the less we can hold on. I refer to this as living with open palms and love that feeling. The more I’ve loved something or someone, the more I realize that my grip needs to be non-existent as does its/theirs on me. I suppose the early years of being babied and my fierce independence have merged into an existence that is both capable of living on my own but doesn’t want to. I want to give and take care of the people around me and allow them to give and take care of me too. Relating in this way matters and – to me – is everything.

My blogs seem to be ending with a lot of thank you’s lately. It’s hard not to have thank you on repeat when I am continually overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m grateful for the overwhelming sense that the world is full of amazingly generous people. I’m grateful for the uncomfortable moments that give me pause and ask what is causing me to feel that way. I’m grateful to the people and moments that challenge me. And most recently, I’m grateful for the silly injury I have that has forced me to slow down my entire life and re-examine what it is that makes me happy.

Thank you, discomfort for being the little path to making changes. I love foraging along together.