Looking back on 2014

My first painting in almost a year. I started collecting words to make a vision board a few years ago and that project got pushed to the side. Then I started this painting over a year ago and it also got set aside. Recently the two somehow merged and this painting became my vision board. Just as my courage to write is coming back, so is my courage to create. I love that it has all lined up together.

Life has a funny way of circling around. I’ve been struggling to find the courage to post on my blog because of how long it’s been. Then I got a notification in Timehop that a year and a few days ago I posted my last blog. So whether or not I feel ‘ready’ or that what I have to say is ‘good enough’, I’m going to start posting again. As with everything in life, there’s never a ‘right’ time so everyday can be the right time. It’s time to be fully me again. I love to write and be part of a community where people share their experiences. So, here goes…

I started writing this blog at the end of 2014 followed by months riddled with confusion, darkness, and deep unhappiness. I knew I would begin finding clarity if I started writing again but didn’t know where to start and no longer felt confident enough to put thoughts on paper. After taking so much time off from nourishing and taking care of myself, it was intimidating to sit down and write. It was strange to find places that historically have been my safe haven feel so foreign. So I took baby steps in caring for myself again and it’s in taking these tiny movements forward that I find myself leaps away from where I was.

Hindsight is a great gift and as time continues to pass brings much clarity to decisions made and with that comes a peace - and with peace, forgiveness. It’s also helped me find what I believe are the foundations for happiness and healthy relationships.

I now understand there is an extremely delicate balance between self and other and that if someone asks me to sacrifice any part of myself that is intrinsically me or part of my self care, I will be heading in the other direction. I’ve also learned how to know whether any relationship (friendships too) are worth investing in. To me, it’s two people who are willing to meet the other where the other is and not attempt to change where the other person is – those differences create such beautiful opportunities to learn and grow. The truth is that everyone loses when we sacrifice ourselves. If we’re able to be honest about little signs when getting to know someone, or applying this to current relationships as getting to know ourselves, so much pain and difficulty can be avoided.  

Seven things I discovered about relationships and happiness last year:

-     To watch people and pay more attention to what they do and less to what they say. People seem to show who they are far better than their words. I’ve heard it for years but have come to learn that people who talk the most are the ones who are hiding. The people who don’t go around barking their beliefs don’t have to because who they are is glaringly obvious through the things they do, their relationships, and how they treat people.

-     To show up fully myself and rid my life of the people who want me to be different. The ways people ask others to change can be subtle and confusing and over time has devastating effects. I consider life too precious and time too fleeting to have people around who want me to be different. A healthy relationship will never ask me to stop nourishing myself.

-     How to navigate the dance of being simultaneously connected to others and myself. I’ve swung a lot between over-hibernating and over socializing and now I’m learning to balance the two. I’m able to learn it after taking the time to be really honest about out who I am and part of that is someone who needs time and space to recharge. This one is tough for me but when I’m not so preoccupied with continually making others happy, it turns out I’m able to give so much more.

-      Just because someone else says something doesn’t make it right. I tend to look to others as the ‘experts’ and I’m learning to speak up too. Sometimes what others say has zero to do with me and is actually an echo of their experiences being projected outward. I’m learning to take time to process what others say and not pressure myself to give a quick response. My pace is a little slower than most and that’s okay. If someone finds my pace too slow and gets impatient, then we’re probably going to have difficulty getting in sync.

-      If it’s right, it shouldn’t be hard. Relationships that require a lot of maintenance and time aren’t a fit for me. Life is too short to consistently be butting heads.

-      To be honest about where I am and share not just my joys but also my hurts with my support system. I have a tendency to isolate when I’m hurting which is probably the worst thing to do because it makes things darker and scarier. Thoughts get so jumbled when they stay in our heads but the moment we say them out loud and lean on a friend, we can gain clarity and connect. Connection makes everything feel brighter.

-      A healthy relationship is two whole and independent people who genuinely want the best for the other and support each other towards their dreams and goals. So many people are looking for the other to fill their holes. I believe in two whole people who walk side by side.

There were moments last year when I felt I was wasting my life. It’s a terrible feeling but as with all feelings, passed and I now have a much greater understanding of why I needed those lessons. Just as with all challenges, I was presented the opportunity to gain deeper understanding of who I am which brings deeper satisfaction and truth to my whole life.

For now, it just feels so good to be dreaming and laughing again.