Sunday Morning Musings

“Do we see what we think we see? Do we love as we believe we love?”

It has been several months since I’ve sat down to be quiet and listen to what is going on in my heart. It’s rare to go this long without a check in but it’s been a particularly busy time. By now I know myself well enough to recognize the tugs of my heart letting me know it’s time to reset so I took time to do so this weekend. I’m a big believer in the often thrown around statement of not being able to give others what we aren’t able to give ourselves. It’s true. And the more I’m able to get to know myself and treat myself in the way I want to be treated and treat others, the more and more the relationships I have are strengthened and fun and light and beautiful. It’s counterintuitive but the more I know and love me and am able to sit with myself, the more I am able to know and love and sit with people in my life.

There is a continual quest in my heart for living the absolute best life I can and to do the things that matter. What are the things that matter? We all get to pick what our life story is about and I pick love. It sounds cliché but this includes a lot. I’m talking about friendships, family, random encounters, romantic relationships, and the sharing of oneself.

This last thing – the sharing of one’s self – seems to be the most important. I have experienced the most delight when I have not only been given permission to be myself but absolutely adored for that. I think we’d all be hard pressed to say there aren’t many tugs in our lives asking us to act in certain ways, think certain ways, look certain ways, etc – but essentially – the world gives a mold of what’s right and many of us try to form ourselves to that shape. It’s a wonderful experience to create our own blueprint and not just live it out but love living it out. I think it can confuse people but I also believe it invites the people around us to be more who they are. And when I am most me and you are most you, the connection that is created is pretty darn cool. These are the silliest, most real, most unguarded moments I have and that’s what I want my life to be about. I want to be able to meet someone and in 5 minutes share an experience that is real even if we never see each other again. I want to have people in my life who know that we can cry and joke and hold each other and play and nothing changes. We both get to show up just as we are, be wherever we are and express it. It’s safe to be you and it’s safe to be me. There’s nothing threatening about it. There is trust. Nothing is forced. It’s energizing, and being together makes you better.

Some people don’t understand why my alone time is so dear and why I’d choose to stay in on a Friday night to do things that make me happy. That’s okay. All I know is that when I can sit with myself and wrestle with my heart, I can sit with anyone in the world who is hurting and love and hold them through it. For me, that’s what life is about.

[being alone] “isn’t a hiding place. It is a finding place.”

whose life can you change today?

As I was flipping through radio stations this morning, I happened to stop on a country station that was an interview with Gary Allen. He was telling the story of when he signed his first record label. I missed the beginning part of the story but from what I surmised, he was living in LA and working at a car dealership. He happened to slip one of his demo CD’s into a truck he sold and within a couple of weeks the couple who bought the truck came back and asked who was messing up his song. The song he had left in the truck was a cover of a popular Neil McCoy radio hit. They got to talking and the couple learned of his dream to go to Nashville and record an album in order to get a record deal. Without hesitation they asked how much he would need to do that and he estimated between $10,000-$12,000.  Right there they wrote him a check for $12,000 and told him to go after his dream. He tried giving it back but they said it wasn’t much money to them and if it could change his life, he should take it and no worries about paying them back. Well, wouldn’t you know…within 6 months he had signed a record label and was not only able to pay them back in full but paid them interest!

I was really moved by this story and thought these are the newsworthy things that we should be talking about! This couple had it right. Not all of us have $12,000 lying around to give away but we do all have something that can change someone’s life. Even if it’s “just” a smile.

Challenges or Opportunities?

"My experience of life reflects where I focus my attention and energy."

Increasingly it seems I am hearing of hardships, illnesses, and a never-ending list of life struggles. I keep hearing people ask if life is supposed to be this hard. At times I’ve wondered the same thing. We are all dealing with something but whether we marinate in it, ignore it, trudge through, or acknowledge it with our chin up is entirely up to us.

***

Around the house, my dad is a man of very few words. I learned from a young age that when he does speak it’s because he has something worthwhile to say and that it was energy well spent to soak up his words. He has often said that people talk on and on about all the tragedies in the world and how ugly the world is and that he didn’t understand because the world is so beautiful. Not once have I heard my dad complain of anything – not when he’s sick, not when he’s tired, not when life isn’t fair. Asked how he’s doing and he always says some version of “wonderful” with a twinkle in his eyes.

***

I think of this wisdom often now as I recognize that the life we create is of our own doing. None of us can escape heartache. None of us can escape tragedy. None of us have an “easy” path. The struggles are different and sometimes others’ lives look more appealing but no one really knows what it’s like to be in another’s shoes -- we only see the superficial outer layers of other people. We don't see the energy, dedication, and perseverance it has taken to be/have whatever it is we see. It is decisions and commitment to those decisions and how we respond to life's challenges that shape who we are as an individual. Those choices shape who we are and that is who we become. It’s both empowering and scary. But it’s pretty cool that at some point we get to pick that the shape of our lives is entirely up to us. A great reminder someone recently said to me is that challenges are actually opportunities. I love this and it has become a bit of a mantra for me.  When things aren’t ideal (whether you’re ill, financially strapped, heartbroken, uncertain, insert struggle here), what opportunity could this be presenting? How can we respond differently? Because every time we respond to these challenges, ahem – opportunities, and see them as opportunities, we are shaping a pretty cool outlook.

What kind of person did you want to be when you were little? What things excited you? What did you love doing? How did you imagine yourself? I think back to when I was little a lot – I think it’s the truest version of me before I became a little guarded, a little insecure, and trying to guess what would be the “right” thing. Finding that little girl’s knowledge of who I am brings me back to a track that feels right – it’s a track that doesn’t really care if others think it’s weird I’d rather stay in on a Friday night with my cats and a book, it’s a track that isn’t afraid to say I’m a little bit nervous and unsure, and most importantly it’s a track that allows me to be straightforward about who I am and where I am and that makes me completely happy and completely free.

***

It seems I’ve come full circle to discover what my dad has always said. Smiling is a choice and so are tears. If you need to cry for a day, do it but don’t get stuck there. Life is too short. I choose beauty because my dad was right. Life is beautiful and I want my eyes to twinkle like his. 

Mortality

Sometimes strong emotions hit me and my mind spins about life, mortality, love, loss, and my place in it all. Death is one of those non-negotiables that can be really hard to accept. Some seem to be more at peace with it than others. I am the person who thinks of it often, perhaps because I desire to come to more of an understanding and peace with it but sometimes because of the common feeling of alone-ness and a fear of that lasting. I want my life to count.

It’s these times I find myself drawn to a swingset, a hard run, nature, or some animal love. I adore my cats but dependent on their mood, I can’t always count on them to give me a cuddle session.  So if my cats are feeling particularly independent and I’m in need of a good animal hug, I head to my sister’s house to see her dog Scotch.

***

I can’t mention Scotch without mentioning his brother Nick. Several months ago, after several years of health struggles, it was time for us to say goodbye to Nick. Since then I’ve had trouble accepting that I won’t be able to pet his soft black hair again. In fact, when I say I go to my sister’s house to see her dog Scotch, I really mean I go to her house to see Nick and Scotch. They were together from the moment they were born and are more two dogs in one than two separate dogs. There are many things that keep Nick alive and one of those is the presence of his brother Scotch.

Watching Nick and Scotch together was seeing one soul in motion, not two. Their tails were always wagging in the same direction and even when they ran, their gait, tails, and the way their ears flapped in the wind perfectly matched. Scotch, the serious and moody athlete and Nick, the happy go-lucky playful dog were perfect complements.

It’s amazing to see Scotch now; now that Nick is gone, I see more of Nick in him than ever. He seems to have more a playful side. It’s impossible to see him running with his tail wagging, ears flopping, and little prance without seeing Nick right beside him in his matching gait. There are other things that keep Nick alive for me – one of those things being wildflowers. I find it impossible to see beautiful fields of flowers or even the solitary lone flower along a highway without thinking of that fluffy black dog I love so dearly. It’s impossible to talk to a person filled with joy in the midst of suffering without thinking of Nick, who even on his last day when in so much pain, was still wagging his tail. His was purely a happy little soul.

Nick, Christmas 2011.

 My sister, Luisa, with her doggies Nick and Scotch, Christmas 2011.

Nick and Scotch running side by side in one of their favorite parks. These are the memories I have of them.

I recently went back to this spot with Scotch. I remember this day so clearly.  Walking with them  made the whole world okay.

A painting I did in honor of Nick's courage and love for life.

We will forever miss him.

***

Death is funny like that. You never know how it will be and we don’t really know what happens but we all have our own story. My heart is huge for animals and I think this is twofold: I love their ability to be and I love their pure acceptance of what is. We all, I believe, have a lot to learn from our furry four-legged friends. They know when their time has come and their acceptance, I believe, can help us accept it.

Recently someone shared the following poem with me:

The love of an animal permits us to unfold, to open up, to drop our defenses, and to be naked, not only physically but psychologically and spiritually as well. With an animal, we let ourselves be seen instead of hiding behind our personalities, our cultures, our jobs, our clothing, or our make up. They know us as no one else does, in our private joys, angry rages, deepest despair, in sickness and in health. All the while, their calm steady presence gives us an unwavering love like few others on earth. Our animal companions see through us to the very soul of our soil, encouraging the unfolding of a sacred trust. If there is such thing as a soul mate, then surely this is it.

Perhaps their presence helps teach us how to have this psychological and spiritual nakedness in other places in our lives. A pretty amazing gift…

***

My oldest cat turned 10 yesterday. We have been together since she was 5 months and she has seen me through a decade filled with lots of ups and downs.  With what seems to be way too much animal loss lately, I feel extra celebratory of her (and my other cat’s) presence in my life. It’s been a good reminder to appreciate who and what is in front of me now. I don’t know what it means to die but I do know that the way I live today matters. I am and will continue to do my best.

my sweet best friend

It’s hard to believe it’s been 11 years since I first met my best friend, April. April is one of those people you meet and are constantly puzzled by how she does all that she does. I met her when we were just starting college and I wasn’t able to verbalize it then but she was one of the first people for me to meet who was both comfortable in her own skin and confident enough to share it with the world - a lovely combination. I think it’s why I was so drawn to her because I had yet to find that same comfort and confidence in myself. I was drawn to her energy – she’s brilliant in a myriad of ways: intellectually, creatively, emotionally, and intuitively. She expresses herself. She isn’t afraid to voice her truths even if it means causing rifts or having people respond negatively. She’s stubborn and she’s smart. Since the day I met her she lives each day being present, being silly, having fun, challenging herself, diving into projects, and connecting with the world around her.

I feel lucky our worlds connected us to each other. Until April my world was quite narrow. I knew I wanted more but wasn’t sure how to find it. April and I explored the world together, challenged each other, fought, grew, and changed. Over time she taught me that disagreements don’t have to be calamitous – they can bring two people closer together. She inspired me then and continues to inspire me from afar and every time we connect. She is who really instigated my passion for painting. We used to take canvases to parks and take turns painting. She’s spontaneous. When I’m sad I think of her and think of what we might do together - it's those activities that bring me back up. She helped me find myself. She brings light and happiness everywhere she goes because of WHO she is and her confidence in sharing it. There are no words that could ever fully express the depth of my love, admiration, and respect I have for her.

April still lives in Baton Rouge so we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like. She is now married with 3 children and I am single with 2 cats. Our lives are really different now but there is still no other person with whom I’d rather spend a weekend, a dinner, a workout, a painting session, anything. She is my best friend – a true beauty....and I can't WAIT to see her this weekend! 

April and I when she came to visit last fall. This is when she was pregnant with her baby GIRL! <3

tonight

Today is a day I’ve been anticipating for months. Today marks the 3^rd annual Share the Love Fundraiser that I created several years ago to raise funds for an organization that I believe in with my whole heart – Texas Advocacy Project. Their cause is one that is hard to talk about because of the havoc it wrecked on my life. Putting this event on isn’t easy for me.

I’ve often wondered why a topic that is so relevant and effects so many people isn’t talked about much. It’s easy to say that it’s not popular or fun to talk about and both are very true. But the truth is that it happens and happens often – every 1 out of 3 women will experience some sort of abuse in her life. This is a LOT of people! And it makes sense that people don’t want to talk about something that showcases and sheds light on just how awful and cruel one human being can be to another. The other thing I’ve realized about the quiet around these topics is that it isn’t easy for the people who have gone through something like this. It can be excruciatingly painful to think about, much less talk about. There is also so much misunderstanding around these topics. It’s just a tough topic all the way around.

And that’s exactly why I wanted to start a fundraiser for this cause. Abuse is rampant and the more I talk about it, the more other people share their stories with me – ones of themselves, their mothers, their friends, their daughters, and the list goes on. I really believe that the only way dark realities change is to shed light on them – to talk about them. I really believe that the only way dark hurts and traumas heal is to shed light on them – to talk about them. It is these beliefs that drive me forward with being vocal about what I went through and helping raise money for Texas Advocacy Project.

At the end of December (I mentioned this in a previous blog post), I began thinking about what I would talk about tonight and soon found myself crying and grieving for the things that had been lost. There has been much gained but the reality is that there has also been serious loss. There’s just no way around it. Since that day I have found myself increasingly emotional about this evening and not sure why. I’ve asked myself why I put this event on when it causes me so much emotional stress. I’ve lost many nights of sleep over it and have become increasingly tearful. And you know what? That’s okay.

Yesterday I received two amazing emails. One from a dear friend and one from my beautiful sister.

My friend reminded me of a few things:

“Forget the difficulty for a moment, though: courage starts with showing up and letting yourself be seen. That's what you're doing tomorrow. It's what you did last year. It's what you did in the courtroom. It's what you -- and others (agencies like TAP) -- do each and every single day they decide to fight this fight. You all decide that everything else aside, there must be an initial step somewhere, and that step takes tremendous faith and confidence and courage. Sometimes that step is as simple as telling your story, sometimes it's as tough as just going out and being around people -- regardless, courage is courage is courage, and its varying degrees don't matter. Everyone who has fought this should be applauded evenly.

And with crazy, how many nights did you fight with yourself about what was right, what would aggravate him, what would be worth the fight, what wouldn't be…and then you did it. One step: the courageous step to just show up. To enter the arena. To dare greatly. The common bond with everyone there tomorrow, yourself most certainly included, is that they have experienced (firsthand or secondhand) something that is designed to paralyze you with vulnerability. It is supposed to keep you tearful, afraid, and homebound. But there will be hundreds of people there tomorrow, raising thousands of dollars, out and open in the heart of one of America's biggest cities, talking about something they should be too afraid to, fighting something that feels so magnificently unnavigable, and taking control. And it all starts with one simple, tough, beautiful step, the same exact one you need to (and will) take tomorrow evening when you speak for thirty seconds to a group of people who LOVE you. Just being yourself is ok, it is enough. And all you can do is show up and let yourself be seen.”

And from my sister:

“I know it is [hard], and you’re wonderful to do it.  You’re doing it to help all the women/girls behind you, and that’s something you certainly aren’t obligated to do.  You’re making a difference.  And, that’s unfortunately not always easy; you’re wonderful to do this.  I’m glad it’s finally arrived and after tomorrow you can be lighter, focus on you, your friends and the things that make you smile.”

I have been SO hard on myself lately and these letters remind me that my emotions are okay, they’re normal, and they’re healthy. But there’s something bigger here at stake than my emotions. Being reminded why I choose to do this makes me so much more appreciative for this event. Going through what I went through was absolute hell. All I want is to hold every child, girl, and woman who doesn’t have someone to hold them through whatever similar hell they are going through. And tonight is my way of giving them a hug and saying that someone is here for them.