Seeking Color.

"I have arrived. I am home. My destination is in each step." -Thich Nhat Hanh

Saturday, December 29, 2012

And the Tears Came




I’m a little more than halfway through my trip.  In an example of doing very poorly at just ‘be-ing’, I’ve been mentally preparing to go home.  Oops.  So, as I was strolling this morning contemplating the realizations I’ve had on this trip and summarizing the thoughts that are aching to be put onto paper the way my emotions ache to be turned into colors and splattered across canvases, I realized I haven’t had any gut wrenching highly emotional moments.  I think I thought this trip would involve some tears or other some sort of “aha” moment.  The recognition that this hadn’t (yet) happened, spouted another train of thoughts that I’ll write about another time but for now I’m kind of excited to share that tears did in fact come.  I say excited, not because I necessarily wanted to cry but because I believe that if emotion comes, it needs to come out.  I used to fight my emotions but I’ve learned to be grateful for them as they are ways we communicate with ourselves.  Today I sobbed big giant tears.

***

Every year I host a fundraiser benefitting a non-profit whose work I’m extremely passionate about: Texas Advocacy Project.  They provide many wonderful services, and primarily offer free legal assistance to victims of stalking, sexual assault, and domestic violence.  Legal solutions are a huge barrier to victims being able to remove themselves from life threatening situations so legal assistance is crucial.  The work TAP does saves lives.  Victims and their families are able to start over, rebuild, and heal because of TAP.  This organization is truly changing the world.

Today I found myself contemplating their work, the upcoming fundraiser, and the things I most want the people who come to understand and take away.  It’s a highly misunderstood topic and I always say that if through TAP or through the fundraiser I put on or through me talking about what I went through, if one more life can be saved, or the way someone responds to a friend going through something similar, then it’s all worth it.  I say this because the support offered to someone who has had their sense of safety taken away is really what gets people through these times.  It’s what got me through it.

For those of you who don’t know my story, you can read it here

Today I lay there thinking about last year’s fundraiser and what I said when it was time to speak.  I don’t remember much of what I said except that I cried (I tend to do that) and emphasized how grateful I am to the people who stood by my side during that time.  I thanked the people who were there as well as the people who weren’t able to come.  The people who stood by my side became my tribe - the people I knew who would fight with me when it counts.  What I went through was a long and hellish fight and one that I know wasn’t easy on my friends and family.  It’s easier to turn away from this type of pain.  I absolutely lost/cut out ‘friends’ during that time – they weren’t friends.  

My little tribe of support offered me different things that helped me through that time, some highly intentional and others very unintentional.  Some people didn’t know their impact until I told them later.  I didn’t make it through that time taking it day by day.  Not even hour by hour.  I often had to go minute by minute, moment by moment.  I clung to the people who believed in me and to letters like this:

“Liana Mauro. I write to you sometimes when I want you to know just how firmly I believe certain things. Like how I look at you and see fortitude and composure. Like how you've made tough decision after tough decision over the past year and each time you've come out on top. Like how I know this whole situation with this creepy son of a bitch will absolutely disappear. Like how I know--and how I've always said--you're destined for such greatness and wonder, and that the only limit in your world is that you set upon yourself.

There is a wonderful Sufi fable of a powerful king who asks some wise men to create a ring that will make him happy when he is sad. After deliberation the sages hand him a simple ring with the words "This too shall pass" etched on it. I so badly want to give you that ring right now, and each time I hug you, I am doing it in my own small way. Because moments become minutes become hours become days and weeks and months, and before you know it, this too shall pass.
  
So whether you feel like retreating from the world and trusting nobody, or if you feel like you want a hug and some sushi, or some chicken and avocado, or some time by yourself to do a Tracy Anderson DVD or, someone to listen to how excited you are to decorate your new place, or someone to tell you how you mixed up "do you want any wine with that cheese?" or if you ever want to talk about books, or watch Avatar or 90210 or any of your Liana-ish shows, remember that I am here--if you need me--to help you through all this, to help you smile and breathe. Why? Because I look at you and see the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and how I know that if I had 1,000 lifetimes, I could never be able to tell you just how much I love you and have those words approximate how I truly feel. You want to know another reason? Fuck this guy, that's why.”

And these lovely two lines sent to me on day 1 of the court hearing:

“You smile and breathe today. Everyone's on your side you beautiful girl.”

The repetition of being told that I would get through it, that I had someone who believed in me – in what I was fighting for, in who I am, and in who I would be as a result of this experience – that got me through it.  Friends who didn’t care what time it was but would come over in the middle of the night because I was too scared to sleep or just needed someone to be there while I cried.  Having someone sit by my side who didn’t tire of hearing me cry, get angry, ask why, take long walks in silence when I needed to be silent, sprint with me when I needed to sprint, and then do it all over again.  Having someone who allowed me to experience everything I was feeling without judgment but with encouragement, gentleness, and belief in my path.  Being told that when the case was closed that my process wouldn’t really be over and that it was okay.  Being told over and over that it was all okay.  Being reminded to breathe.  Gosh, we need these people!  Please be this kind of friend, mother, sister, lover, and father.  Don’t say ‘let me know what I can do’, GO and BE with these people – with anyone who’s hurting for that matter.  Sometimes the pain is too deep to ask for help and it’s really comforting to know that you aren’t as alone you may feel.  BE with people who are hurting.  Especially the people you love. 

So today thinking about what I want people to understand as a result of the 3rd Annual Share the Love Fundraiser, I cried.  Tears for what was taken away from me forever.  Tears for the inevitable and rightly placed guards.  Tears for having to live in a way that I don’t believe is the way people should have to live.  Tears for so much lost.  Tears for relationships that were affected.  Tears for a city I adore that is forever tainted because of this experience.  Tears for innocence that was stripped away.  Today I mourn these things. 

I’m a different person because of what I went through.  I’m tougher, I’m smarter, I have boundaries.  But it’s sad.  It’s so so sad.  And as grateful as I can be that I was chiseled a little sharper, it also breaks my heart.  We shouldn’t have to be hardened.  We should be safe among fellow humans.  But the truth is that we aren’t always safe.  And it’s okay to cry about.

4 comments:

  1. i'm so sorry you went through that liana - i had no idea! so amazing that you are making a difference in the world. you are such a powerful writer.

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  2. What a wonderful thing for you to say, Kelly! Thank you. <3

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  3. Powerful, Liana. I especially love your self-disclosure towards the end and think anyone who reads this will feel something and connect. I'm excited to be involved for this year's fundraiser and need to get on the ball and land some sponsorships in January!

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  4. Thank you, Jefferson. We are SO happy to have you involved and be a part of the fundraiser! Thank you for your heart and for helping spread the word about what TAP does.

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