Being Alone

It has been a challenge for me to unplug since being here. There have been tugs and pulls to my life in Austin and I’ve responded. There have been tugs towards obligations and I’ve let them take hold of me. It’s been frustrating and also good for me to see what an active decision it is to let go. Anytime we really want something it never just happens. Luck, fate, or chance (whatever your preference) absolutely happen but what unfolds is because of decisions we actively make. Our choices form our path and that is both giddy-ing-ly exciting and terrifying. It’s much easier to point the finger at other people when things go wrong but we play an active role in getting to where we are today. This can be because of active or passive decisions but no one else is in the drivers seat. Someone recently said to me that we must make decisions to change our lives otherwise life will make those decisions for us – the difference being that when life chooses the direction, we often don’t like it. So for today when the direction to take is confusing and there doesn’t seem a right choice, it seems the best thing we can do is make a decision for what makes us happy right now. How can I know what I will want in the future? I only know what is right for today so I want to live now. At least that’s what I tell myself.

I thought that in coming here alone I would automatically fall into an I am here rhythm and find joy in being present in every moment. I’ve absolutely had snippets of this and it’s lovely but more often than not I’m distracting myself. I’m really really really good at finding distractions. So I decided to take action and turned to a book that has inspired, shaped, and guided me more than anything else I’ve read recently, Wild by Cheryl Strayed. This morning I find myself drawn to two passages and they bring me clarity and courage,

“Fear, to a great extent is born of a story we tell ourselves…I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story [is] a form of mind control but for the most part, it work[s]…I simply did not let myself become afraid. Fear begets fear. Power begets power…And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid.” (51)

“I never got to be in the driver’s seat of my own life…I always did what someone else wanted me to do. I’ve always been someone’s daughter or …. I’ve never just been me.” (273)

There’s nothing to be afraid of being by myself. I am here to be alone, I am here to face whatever might come up for me. I am here because the majority of my life I have lived wondering what will make other people happy or what will make other people like me. But guess what? That never made me happy. I’m happiest when discovering more of me and only then can I be with others in a satisfying way. Or as Kahlil Gibran says,

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts;

And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.

And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly…

The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape.” (71, The Prophet)

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So, this morning I vow to myself not to get on email today and not to reach out to anyone. It’s been lovely.

I woke up before the sun came up (very typical of me – even on vacation I can’t seem to sleep in), enjoyed lying in bed without a care in the world, then made myself a lovely breakfast of pancakes, fruit, and coffee, sat on the balcony with a book, and watched the sunrise. Perfect.

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There is a battle that has been inside of me for much of my life. The battle between being driven and the comforts of what money can offer versus a life of simplicity. Of slow, lazy mornings, walking to markets, cooking, and simply engaging with the wonders of life. The older I get, simple wins. There is something right about walking along the street with chickens and iguanas. Something right about cars stopping when they see you are waiting to cross the street. Something right about strangers looking you in the eye and saying hello. It is this life I long for and know I am on the right path.

A Soul Gift

It has been at least a year now that I’ve known I wanted, needed, to take a trip on my own.  It has been a thought that has both equally excited and scared me.  It was largely a concept in my head that I would talk about very confidently but inside I felt uncertain and questioned if I would in fact do this.  In fact, I didn’t book my flight until less than a month ago and only did after telling myself that I would never allow myself to take a trip on my own if I didn’t take the jump and do this now.  Why?

Because I believe that not facing fears (the good kind) is detrimental to our beings.  That in facing what we are most afraid of, we find the good stuff: deep satisfaction, increased joy, new experiences, a broadened perspective, and perhaps most importantly the knowledge that I can do this.

I’m the youngest of three girls and to say I was babied is an understatement.  Don’t get me wrong, there is something very comforting about being taken care of and I’m grateful to be loved so much.  I can be pretty scattered so it’s nice to have someone remind me to bring my passport, ask what airline I booked my flight on, remind me to make sure my credit card company will allow me to use my card while overseas, and so on.  I just don’t think of these things.  I am the person who sets my ID down at the airport and would leave it if I didn’t have a travel buddy helping me keep my things together.  And that’s just one part of the reason I wanted this trip.  To further deepen my security and ability to depend on myself and to know that I can be scattered within my organization and everything will be just fine.

Right now I’m sitting in the airport awaiting my flight and since I stepped into the airport I am experiencing a high that is keeping a smile on my face and a little flutter in my heart.  I am already loving being able to take my time as I walk through the airport (fondly reminiscing the many times of sprinting through the airport with my very time conscientious dad only to arrive at the gate with plenty of time to spare), looking around and noticing the people around me and wondering about their journeys and whether they’re going somewhere that will bring them as much joy as I currently feel, and feeling a sense of deep relaxation and satisfaction.  I laugh at myself a lot as do my friends but it’s nice to be able to stroll through the airport, trip, drop my bag, and bump into things all within a 5 minute period and not have anyone poke fun at it.  To smile and know that it’s just me being me, have the space to do this and not hear any comments being made. 

And that is a big reason behind this trip.  To not have a plan and to just be without wondering what my travel partner wants to do, see, eat, etc.  I want a time to do what I want, when I want it, where I want, when I want to, sleep as late as I want, not have a schedule, and see what happens.  I’m giving myself permission to be completely selfish for a couple of weeks and I can’t wait.  I want to be present with my thoughts and feelings and to the people around me.  It’s funny, a few weeks ago I started making a list of “how to make the most out of a solo vacation” and “questions I want to answer” – I even Googled “how to answer life questions on a trip by yourself” - and had to laugh at myself a bit.  I LOVE lists and find incredible satisfaction in crossing items off of those lists but that’s not what this trip is about.  For now, those lists are tossed to the side and to simply live and give myself this incredible gift feels really really good.  

Clarity

From the earliest years of my life I remember knowing two things: I want to help people and I want to make a difference in the world. 

These two convictions led me into the field of counseling and doing work that didn’t make me happy.  Now when I look back on my life I can see that the paths I’ve gone down, the choices I’ve made, and the relationships I’ve formed haven’t really been driven by these statements.  These statements are true but as I said in my last blog post the things that have actually been fueling my decisions are the questions: Who am I? and How can I be happy?

I recently stumbled across this poem and I think it’s true for all of us.  No one is capable of saving the world without first finding peace within.  It’s this inner peace and acceptance of ourselves that becomes a ripple effect on our immediate circle, then effecting their circles, and only then does it trickle out into the rest of the world.  How lovely.

Clearing by Martha Postlethwaite

Do not try to save

the whole world

or do anything grandiose.

Instead, create

a clearing

in the dense forest

of your life

and wait there

patiently,

until the song

that is yours alone to sing

falls into your open cupped hands

and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know

how to give yourself

to this world,

so worthy of rescue.

Making Compromises

Lots of people are unhappy in their jobs and relationships and know they’re in unhealthy situations but are afraid of making a change.  My mind spins around a lot with thoughts about life so when I hear about unhappy relationships and unfulfilling career paths, I’m left thinking about the many - majority I think - people who find a job they hate so they can afford a certain lifestyle and are in relationships that either make them unhappy or put limitations on who they are and how much they can grow.  Shouldn’t having a job that makes you happy and a partner who makes you more you be non-negotiable and not worth compromising over?  When we compromise on these types of things doesn’t it become a compromise of who we are?  Why does this seem like the first step to becoming disenchanted, disengaged, and miserable?

It’s interesting to me.  Traditionally we spend the majority of our week at work and a lot of our free time with our partner, so it’s baffling that someone would pick something they hate and a person who doesn’t bring out more of who they are.  After spending the majority of my youth very unhappy, confused, and in a litany of unhealthy relationships, I can see that the different paths I’ve gone down and my purpose in life, is specifically to discover what makes me and the people I love happiest and to shun and cut out the things and people who either don’t support that or bring me down.  Every day I think about the direction my life is going and if it’s on track with who I want to be.

As I was driving to work last week I thought about how expensive life can be so I absolutely relate to the thought process of the need to find a stable job, even one you don’t like, to have the outcome of having more money to be more comfortable and be able to do the things you want to do.  But I also wonder if our idea of what comfort entails is off kilter.  I often wonder what the world would be like if we did away with currency and went back to a system of trade and handshakes, if we all put our guards and sarcastic comments away and interacted only with kindness.  I think we’d have more dream chasers and see people walking around glowing with happiness. 

How do people get to be 90 years old and filled with regret?  I think about it a lot and it’s changed the way I live.  More specifically, Who do I want to be when I’m 90? and What do I want my legacy to be?  Time passes so quickly and it seems tragic to spend so much time doing something we hate or with a person who makes us self-conscious and unhappy.  Maybe I’m naïve but I really believe if we find what we love and do it to the best of our ability, financial comfort will naturally follow.  I also believe in true love and having a soul mate.  I believe in laughter, mutual respect, and building each other up out of desire for our partner’s wellbeing.   Given the amount of antidepressants that are prescribed, it seems we’re all on a quest for happiness and the recipe seems so easy.  I’m in no way an expert on life but for years I had a pretty intense battle with depression and for me a return to simplicity – getting excited to walk outside barefoot, taking joy in nature, being good to ourselves and the people around us is part of the answer.  The answer isn’t more money, more things, marriage, doing drugs, or being seen at socialite parties and events.

Something I recently read:
“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions. When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence? Where we have stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is where we have experienced the loss of soul. Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves.”

I posted this on Facebook and someone added in “When did you stop dreaming? When did Nature lose her wonder?”

There’s merit to these questions and I believe, the path to happiness.