A Soul Gift

It has been at least a year now that I’ve known I wanted, needed, to take a trip on my own.  It has been a thought that has both equally excited and scared me.  It was largely a concept in my head that I would talk about very confidently but inside I felt uncertain and questioned if I would in fact do this.  In fact, I didn’t book my flight until less than a month ago and only did after telling myself that I would never allow myself to take a trip on my own if I didn’t take the jump and do this now.  Why?

Because I believe that not facing fears (the good kind) is detrimental to our beings.  That in facing what we are most afraid of, we find the good stuff: deep satisfaction, increased joy, new experiences, a broadened perspective, and perhaps most importantly the knowledge that I can do this.

I’m the youngest of three girls and to say I was babied is an understatement.  Don’t get me wrong, there is something very comforting about being taken care of and I’m grateful to be loved so much.  I can be pretty scattered so it’s nice to have someone remind me to bring my passport, ask what airline I booked my flight on, remind me to make sure my credit card company will allow me to use my card while overseas, and so on.  I just don’t think of these things.  I am the person who sets my ID down at the airport and would leave it if I didn’t have a travel buddy helping me keep my things together.  And that’s just one part of the reason I wanted this trip.  To further deepen my security and ability to depend on myself and to know that I can be scattered within my organization and everything will be just fine.

Right now I’m sitting in the airport awaiting my flight and since I stepped into the airport I am experiencing a high that is keeping a smile on my face and a little flutter in my heart.  I am already loving being able to take my time as I walk through the airport (fondly reminiscing the many times of sprinting through the airport with my very time conscientious dad only to arrive at the gate with plenty of time to spare), looking around and noticing the people around me and wondering about their journeys and whether they’re going somewhere that will bring them as much joy as I currently feel, and feeling a sense of deep relaxation and satisfaction.  I laugh at myself a lot as do my friends but it’s nice to be able to stroll through the airport, trip, drop my bag, and bump into things all within a 5 minute period and not have anyone poke fun at it.  To smile and know that it’s just me being me, have the space to do this and not hear any comments being made. 

And that is a big reason behind this trip.  To not have a plan and to just be without wondering what my travel partner wants to do, see, eat, etc.  I want a time to do what I want, when I want it, where I want, when I want to, sleep as late as I want, not have a schedule, and see what happens.  I’m giving myself permission to be completely selfish for a couple of weeks and I can’t wait.  I want to be present with my thoughts and feelings and to the people around me.  It’s funny, a few weeks ago I started making a list of “how to make the most out of a solo vacation” and “questions I want to answer” – I even Googled “how to answer life questions on a trip by yourself” - and had to laugh at myself a bit.  I LOVE lists and find incredible satisfaction in crossing items off of those lists but that’s not what this trip is about.  For now, those lists are tossed to the side and to simply live and give myself this incredible gift feels really really good.