A Soul Gift

It has been at least a year now that I’ve known I wanted, needed, to take a trip on my own.  It has been a thought that has both equally excited and scared me.  It was largely a concept in my head that I would talk about very confidently but inside I felt uncertain and questioned if I would in fact do this.  In fact, I didn’t book my flight until less than a month ago and only did after telling myself that I would never allow myself to take a trip on my own if I didn’t take the jump and do this now.  Why?

Because I believe that not facing fears (the good kind) is detrimental to our beings.  That in facing what we are most afraid of, we find the good stuff: deep satisfaction, increased joy, new experiences, a broadened perspective, and perhaps most importantly the knowledge that I can do this.

I’m the youngest of three girls and to say I was babied is an understatement.  Don’t get me wrong, there is something very comforting about being taken care of and I’m grateful to be loved so much.  I can be pretty scattered so it’s nice to have someone remind me to bring my passport, ask what airline I booked my flight on, remind me to make sure my credit card company will allow me to use my card while overseas, and so on.  I just don’t think of these things.  I am the person who sets my ID down at the airport and would leave it if I didn’t have a travel buddy helping me keep my things together.  And that’s just one part of the reason I wanted this trip.  To further deepen my security and ability to depend on myself and to know that I can be scattered within my organization and everything will be just fine.

Right now I’m sitting in the airport awaiting my flight and since I stepped into the airport I am experiencing a high that is keeping a smile on my face and a little flutter in my heart.  I am already loving being able to take my time as I walk through the airport (fondly reminiscing the many times of sprinting through the airport with my very time conscientious dad only to arrive at the gate with plenty of time to spare), looking around and noticing the people around me and wondering about their journeys and whether they’re going somewhere that will bring them as much joy as I currently feel, and feeling a sense of deep relaxation and satisfaction.  I laugh at myself a lot as do my friends but it’s nice to be able to stroll through the airport, trip, drop my bag, and bump into things all within a 5 minute period and not have anyone poke fun at it.  To smile and know that it’s just me being me, have the space to do this and not hear any comments being made. 

And that is a big reason behind this trip.  To not have a plan and to just be without wondering what my travel partner wants to do, see, eat, etc.  I want a time to do what I want, when I want it, where I want, when I want to, sleep as late as I want, not have a schedule, and see what happens.  I’m giving myself permission to be completely selfish for a couple of weeks and I can’t wait.  I want to be present with my thoughts and feelings and to the people around me.  It’s funny, a few weeks ago I started making a list of “how to make the most out of a solo vacation” and “questions I want to answer” – I even Googled “how to answer life questions on a trip by yourself” - and had to laugh at myself a bit.  I LOVE lists and find incredible satisfaction in crossing items off of those lists but that’s not what this trip is about.  For now, those lists are tossed to the side and to simply live and give myself this incredible gift feels really really good.  

Clarity

From the earliest years of my life I remember knowing two things: I want to help people and I want to make a difference in the world. 

These two convictions led me into the field of counseling and doing work that didn’t make me happy.  Now when I look back on my life I can see that the paths I’ve gone down, the choices I’ve made, and the relationships I’ve formed haven’t really been driven by these statements.  These statements are true but as I said in my last blog post the things that have actually been fueling my decisions are the questions: Who am I? and How can I be happy?

I recently stumbled across this poem and I think it’s true for all of us.  No one is capable of saving the world without first finding peace within.  It’s this inner peace and acceptance of ourselves that becomes a ripple effect on our immediate circle, then effecting their circles, and only then does it trickle out into the rest of the world.  How lovely.

Clearing by Martha Postlethwaite

Do not try to save

the whole world

or do anything grandiose.

Instead, create

a clearing

in the dense forest

of your life

and wait there

patiently,

until the song

that is yours alone to sing

falls into your open cupped hands

and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know

how to give yourself

to this world,

so worthy of rescue.

Making Compromises

Lots of people are unhappy in their jobs and relationships and know they’re in unhealthy situations but are afraid of making a change.  My mind spins around a lot with thoughts about life so when I hear about unhappy relationships and unfulfilling career paths, I’m left thinking about the many - majority I think - people who find a job they hate so they can afford a certain lifestyle and are in relationships that either make them unhappy or put limitations on who they are and how much they can grow.  Shouldn’t having a job that makes you happy and a partner who makes you more you be non-negotiable and not worth compromising over?  When we compromise on these types of things doesn’t it become a compromise of who we are?  Why does this seem like the first step to becoming disenchanted, disengaged, and miserable?

It’s interesting to me.  Traditionally we spend the majority of our week at work and a lot of our free time with our partner, so it’s baffling that someone would pick something they hate and a person who doesn’t bring out more of who they are.  After spending the majority of my youth very unhappy, confused, and in a litany of unhealthy relationships, I can see that the different paths I’ve gone down and my purpose in life, is specifically to discover what makes me and the people I love happiest and to shun and cut out the things and people who either don’t support that or bring me down.  Every day I think about the direction my life is going and if it’s on track with who I want to be.

As I was driving to work last week I thought about how expensive life can be so I absolutely relate to the thought process of the need to find a stable job, even one you don’t like, to have the outcome of having more money to be more comfortable and be able to do the things you want to do.  But I also wonder if our idea of what comfort entails is off kilter.  I often wonder what the world would be like if we did away with currency and went back to a system of trade and handshakes, if we all put our guards and sarcastic comments away and interacted only with kindness.  I think we’d have more dream chasers and see people walking around glowing with happiness. 

How do people get to be 90 years old and filled with regret?  I think about it a lot and it’s changed the way I live.  More specifically, Who do I want to be when I’m 90? and What do I want my legacy to be?  Time passes so quickly and it seems tragic to spend so much time doing something we hate or with a person who makes us self-conscious and unhappy.  Maybe I’m naïve but I really believe if we find what we love and do it to the best of our ability, financial comfort will naturally follow.  I also believe in true love and having a soul mate.  I believe in laughter, mutual respect, and building each other up out of desire for our partner’s wellbeing.   Given the amount of antidepressants that are prescribed, it seems we’re all on a quest for happiness and the recipe seems so easy.  I’m in no way an expert on life but for years I had a pretty intense battle with depression and for me a return to simplicity – getting excited to walk outside barefoot, taking joy in nature, being good to ourselves and the people around us is part of the answer.  The answer isn’t more money, more things, marriage, doing drugs, or being seen at socialite parties and events.

Something I recently read:
“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions. When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence? Where we have stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is where we have experienced the loss of soul. Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves.”

I posted this on Facebook and someone added in “When did you stop dreaming? When did Nature lose her wonder?”

There’s merit to these questions and I believe, the path to happiness.

Turning 30.

Sometimes our path is so wrought with thorns and seemingly insurmountable boulders that it isn’t until we’re running wildly through fields of color untethered and senses satisfied, that the realization hits us: I’m here.  The heartaches, tears, countless nights without sleep plagued by questions…meeting these things and wrestling with them chisels us not just to a place where you’re ready to face the next battle but to a place where you awake one morning and realize to the depth of your being that you’re a different person than you were a decade ago.  That the person you wanted to be and cried for because you weren’t there and seemingly never would is now here.  That the first third of your life doesn’t have to be gone but that chapter officially closes and now the next third – maybe the most significant third, the adult third, can be made by love-filled choices instead of fearful reactions.  This is what turning 30 is to me.

Artistic Genius

My surroundings have always been really important to me.  I appreciate beauty and love things that tell a story to the keen eye and listening ear.  My home is no different and is decorated with things and mementos that are important to me and remind me of people, particular times in my life, and things I want to be reminded of.  They are subtleties that are easy to miss and can be mistaken as mere decoration. 

I love plants – having them around makes me automatically feel like I’ve inserted an extra bit of health into my home.  I love the symbiotic relationship that exists.  My breath puts toxins into the air that nurtures the plants and in turn they provide oxygen so that I may breathe.  It’s one of the brilliant things about nature and I love the cyclical relationship between animals and plants.  I say all this because my plants are important to me and even they have stories behind them.

My most special plant is an Impatiens plant.  I was given this plant during a time when my life was significantly altered as a result of horrendous external circumstances.  People who know me know I’m not very good at being patient and this time in my life I was no different.  I wanted to jump through the process and get to the other side.  I couldn’t have made it through this time without my best friend who would lovingly tease me about how poorly patient I am, or impatient.  It is my friend who gave me this plant – a beautiful plant with pink flowers – to remind me that even an “impatient” plant can bloom, flourish, and be beautiful.  No matter the external situations, given the right nourishment and love, flowers can appear and growth will happen.  In fact, even as a direct result of hardships and trials these flowers come.  And over time, I’ve loved that the stalks haven’t grown perfectly and that it started looking a little bit hod-podged.  There is beauty within the messiness and I love my Impatiens plant.

Lately my Impatiens hasn’t been looking very happy so I decided it was time for a professional to step in.  I wish I would have taken a before photo to show the wreckage, but this morning I decided to take my little plant to a nursery and see if they could help.  As I walked up, a man stopped walking in his tracks and exclaimed, “That’s an Impatiens plant!”  I couldn’t believe he knew and quickly recognized he must work there.  I could barely get the words out of my mouth about why I was there before he whisked the plant out of my hands and to my horror started ripping the plant apart.  I asked if it was dead and had no hope and he exclaimed that this plant needs to be outside!  At this point I was both impressed and bemused – impressed that he knew I had been keeping the plant inside yet annoyed he had just ripped 2/3 of it off!

He started muttering and walked away holding my plant and I quietly followed not entirely sure what to do.  He proceeded to pour a LOT of water on it followed by an exclamation about my pot not draining properly.  Again, I didn’t have much words but said something about not knowing.  He sighed, took the plant out, put his mouth to where the drain is and started blowing.  At this point all I could do was stand back in awe.  Here was a man who didn’t know me, who I had hardly said 3 sentences to, and he was touching my plant and putting his mouth to the pot.  What I first saw as a quirky old man quickly shifted to an appreciation for an encounter with an artist, a man who loves plants, who truly desires for them to be alive and to flourish.  Like a musician who must run to his instrument as soon as a song comes to mind, this man had something inside of him intrinsically pushing him to make sure this plant didn’t leave his presence without having the proper care. 

I’ve read quite a bit this year about artistic passion and how this love translates into absolute genius.  This morning I encountered a man who is absolutely in his element and I couldn’t help but stand back with appreciation and think of one of my favorite quotes, listed at the top of my blog, “Find what you love and let it kill you.”

It is this kind of love, this kind of intensity that takes the ho-hum artist to the genius artist.  We all have an artist in us and we all have a genius. 

Thank you to this man who mended my sweet Impatiens plant and who further inspired me to deepen my passions without fear of what that might look like.  Because, in the end the deepest passions are the most incredible and the ‘crazy’, the most beautiful.  

My Impatiens plant - now outside and about 1/3 of its pre-artist size encounter.