Being Alone

It has been a challenge for me to unplug since being here. There have been tugs and pulls to my life in Austin and I’ve responded. There have been tugs towards obligations and I’ve let them take hold of me. It’s been frustrating and also good for me to see what an active decision it is to let go. Anytime we really want something it never just happens. Luck, fate, or chance (whatever your preference) absolutely happen but what unfolds is because of decisions we actively make. Our choices form our path and that is both giddy-ing-ly exciting and terrifying. It’s much easier to point the finger at other people when things go wrong but we play an active role in getting to where we are today. This can be because of active or passive decisions but no one else is in the drivers seat. Someone recently said to me that we must make decisions to change our lives otherwise life will make those decisions for us – the difference being that when life chooses the direction, we often don’t like it. So for today when the direction to take is confusing and there doesn’t seem a right choice, it seems the best thing we can do is make a decision for what makes us happy right now. How can I know what I will want in the future? I only know what is right for today so I want to live now. At least that’s what I tell myself.

I thought that in coming here alone I would automatically fall into an I am here rhythm and find joy in being present in every moment. I’ve absolutely had snippets of this and it’s lovely but more often than not I’m distracting myself. I’m really really really good at finding distractions. So I decided to take action and turned to a book that has inspired, shaped, and guided me more than anything else I’ve read recently, Wild by Cheryl Strayed. This morning I find myself drawn to two passages and they bring me clarity and courage,

“Fear, to a great extent is born of a story we tell ourselves…I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story [is] a form of mind control but for the most part, it work[s]…I simply did not let myself become afraid. Fear begets fear. Power begets power…And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid.” (51)

“I never got to be in the driver’s seat of my own life…I always did what someone else wanted me to do. I’ve always been someone’s daughter or …. I’ve never just been me.” (273)

There’s nothing to be afraid of being by myself. I am here to be alone, I am here to face whatever might come up for me. I am here because the majority of my life I have lived wondering what will make other people happy or what will make other people like me. But guess what? That never made me happy. I’m happiest when discovering more of me and only then can I be with others in a satisfying way. Or as Kahlil Gibran says,

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts;

And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.

And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly…

The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape.” (71, The Prophet)

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So, this morning I vow to myself not to get on email today and not to reach out to anyone. It’s been lovely.

I woke up before the sun came up (very typical of me – even on vacation I can’t seem to sleep in), enjoyed lying in bed without a care in the world, then made myself a lovely breakfast of pancakes, fruit, and coffee, sat on the balcony with a book, and watched the sunrise. Perfect.

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There is a battle that has been inside of me for much of my life. The battle between being driven and the comforts of what money can offer versus a life of simplicity. Of slow, lazy mornings, walking to markets, cooking, and simply engaging with the wonders of life. The older I get, simple wins. There is something right about walking along the street with chickens and iguanas. Something right about cars stopping when they see you are waiting to cross the street. Something right about strangers looking you in the eye and saying hello. It is this life I long for and know I am on the right path.

A Soul Gift

It has been at least a year now that I’ve known I wanted, needed, to take a trip on my own.  It has been a thought that has both equally excited and scared me.  It was largely a concept in my head that I would talk about very confidently but inside I felt uncertain and questioned if I would in fact do this.  In fact, I didn’t book my flight until less than a month ago and only did after telling myself that I would never allow myself to take a trip on my own if I didn’t take the jump and do this now.  Why?

Because I believe that not facing fears (the good kind) is detrimental to our beings.  That in facing what we are most afraid of, we find the good stuff: deep satisfaction, increased joy, new experiences, a broadened perspective, and perhaps most importantly the knowledge that I can do this.

I’m the youngest of three girls and to say I was babied is an understatement.  Don’t get me wrong, there is something very comforting about being taken care of and I’m grateful to be loved so much.  I can be pretty scattered so it’s nice to have someone remind me to bring my passport, ask what airline I booked my flight on, remind me to make sure my credit card company will allow me to use my card while overseas, and so on.  I just don’t think of these things.  I am the person who sets my ID down at the airport and would leave it if I didn’t have a travel buddy helping me keep my things together.  And that’s just one part of the reason I wanted this trip.  To further deepen my security and ability to depend on myself and to know that I can be scattered within my organization and everything will be just fine.

Right now I’m sitting in the airport awaiting my flight and since I stepped into the airport I am experiencing a high that is keeping a smile on my face and a little flutter in my heart.  I am already loving being able to take my time as I walk through the airport (fondly reminiscing the many times of sprinting through the airport with my very time conscientious dad only to arrive at the gate with plenty of time to spare), looking around and noticing the people around me and wondering about their journeys and whether they’re going somewhere that will bring them as much joy as I currently feel, and feeling a sense of deep relaxation and satisfaction.  I laugh at myself a lot as do my friends but it’s nice to be able to stroll through the airport, trip, drop my bag, and bump into things all within a 5 minute period and not have anyone poke fun at it.  To smile and know that it’s just me being me, have the space to do this and not hear any comments being made. 

And that is a big reason behind this trip.  To not have a plan and to just be without wondering what my travel partner wants to do, see, eat, etc.  I want a time to do what I want, when I want it, where I want, when I want to, sleep as late as I want, not have a schedule, and see what happens.  I’m giving myself permission to be completely selfish for a couple of weeks and I can’t wait.  I want to be present with my thoughts and feelings and to the people around me.  It’s funny, a few weeks ago I started making a list of “how to make the most out of a solo vacation” and “questions I want to answer” – I even Googled “how to answer life questions on a trip by yourself” - and had to laugh at myself a bit.  I LOVE lists and find incredible satisfaction in crossing items off of those lists but that’s not what this trip is about.  For now, those lists are tossed to the side and to simply live and give myself this incredible gift feels really really good.  

Clarity

From the earliest years of my life I remember knowing two things: I want to help people and I want to make a difference in the world. 

These two convictions led me into the field of counseling and doing work that didn’t make me happy.  Now when I look back on my life I can see that the paths I’ve gone down, the choices I’ve made, and the relationships I’ve formed haven’t really been driven by these statements.  These statements are true but as I said in my last blog post the things that have actually been fueling my decisions are the questions: Who am I? and How can I be happy?

I recently stumbled across this poem and I think it’s true for all of us.  No one is capable of saving the world without first finding peace within.  It’s this inner peace and acceptance of ourselves that becomes a ripple effect on our immediate circle, then effecting their circles, and only then does it trickle out into the rest of the world.  How lovely.

Clearing by Martha Postlethwaite

Do not try to save

the whole world

or do anything grandiose.

Instead, create

a clearing

in the dense forest

of your life

and wait there

patiently,

until the song

that is yours alone to sing

falls into your open cupped hands

and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know

how to give yourself

to this world,

so worthy of rescue.