Joy of Nothing

I was recently introduced to a song by Foy Vance – Joy of Nothing. I find myself sitting still several times a day just to listen to and soak up this song. The lyrics I cling to that so deeply touch my soul:

The joy of nothing is a sweeter something

And I will hold it in my heart

I will hold it in my heart.

Earlier this week marked the 38^th anniversary of my parents deciding to take a chance, believe in their love, and say yes to making a go at spending the rest of their lives together. From their love my sisters and I were brought into this world so talking about things I’m grateful for doesn’t make sense without mentioning them. They instilled many of the core foundations and beliefs I hold so dearly today.

Moomy and Daddy, I don’t tell you enough and in case you ever question your legacy, don’t. And if you do, please read and re-read this. You’ve given me so much more than what I’m about to list, but here are some of the things I think of most often. Thank you for giving and teaching me:

-       An innate respect for all things living.

-       An ability to ignore and not take part in gossip. To discover truths about people on my own. I have the utmost respect for your elegance and privacy.

-       That the importance of following passion, discovering your own path, and following your heart is always the right direction. I will forever remember a conversation my dad and I once had. He told me that life is a road. We all have a road we set out on and as we walk along our road, there are road signs, streets, and people enticing us to get off and go on a different road or into the bushes. He said sometimes we will go a different direction and that it’s okay but to always make sure to come back to our road. I am so thankful to have been encouraged to discover and stay true to ME and to get rid of the people who don’t fit.

-       To enthusiastically say yes when someone asks for help and that no matter how many dollars are in the bank, there is always something to give.

-       An ability, passion, and respect for hard work.

-       A belief in education and lifelong learning. An understanding that credentials don’t make someone ‘educated’ or ‘smart’.
-   That family is sacred.

-       The value of laughter and not bringing stress into a relationship. There is a ginormous difference between being able to lean on one another without burdening one another. Disagreements aren’t solved by yelling and being nasty. I watched and now value the strength it takes to have an incredibly soft, compassionate, and loving heart while simultaneously knowing how to say no, have self-respect, and set boundaries.

    And while I’m at it…some other things I’m grateful for:

-       I don’t know what it means to be hungry. I am incredibly wealthy to have never had to miss a meal.

-      My mind. I love to learn and think. I love having the ability to get lost in books, art, and experiences. I’m grateful I don’t know what it means to be bored.

-       My body. I’m continually blown away by how seamlessly my body works. Sure, there are days I feel less than stellar but I can breathe easily and digest my food. I can see, eat, and have four fully functioning limbs. I find much joy both in using my body to be physically active and to sit in stillness enraptured by my senses. I LOVE being alive.

-       My relationships. From my best friends to the acquaintances in my life, it blows my mind that all the people I’m in regular communication with are people I adore and respect. I often find my heart overwhelmed with the love I have for the people in my life and am grateful for the never-ending expansiveness of the heart. Loving has become sort of an addiction and it couldn’t be more sweet.

-      My work. I’m grateful for the ability to share the magic of movement, the incredible instructors who share this passion, our dedicated and inspiring clients, and the numerous amount of family, friends, and mentors who have supported and encouraged along the way.

-       My “skittles” (cats). They are batty, quirky, make me laugh, move my heart, and keep me warm at night. They are purrrrrrrfect! J

-       All things simple. My gratitude list could go on for miles and what I always come back to is that the things, people, and experiences that make me most happy are the most simple. It’s those moments when two friends come together with mussed up hair and weird outfits to share an evening of hysterical laughter, dress-up, and tears. It’s every morning the sun rises yet again and we have another go at writing a page of our life story. It’s keeping in mind how important life is and how non-important the noise is. It’s the loud uncontrollable laughter, the hugs, the love that exists everywhere around us, and the desire to slow down, pause and take notice.
   
    What am I most thankful for? That I can so deeply feel the joy of nothing.

Celebrating 31.

This is the first birthday I’ve wanted to celebrate so much. Technically I’ve already had 2 celebrations and today am at the third. Growing up, I didn’t believe in myself or that I was worth anything at all. So each year when asked what I wanted to do for my birthday I said nothing, felt uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, and like there was something wrong with me. I often felt sad around my birthday. I hated the attention and just wanted it to pass by. I didn’t want to be seen. I preferred to blend in, not make any waves, and look like everyone else. I didn’t want anyone to make a fuss over me because I didn’t believe I deserved it. When your rules are: “Go with the flow, make everyone like you, smile, behave, act ‘normal’, and please don’t notice I’m pretending”, it’s pretty uncomfortable to have all attention on you because what if someone sees you’re faking it? Or worse, they might see a glimmer of the real you and not like it? It can be a lot easier to pretend.

I’ve said this in other blog posts but things started shifting for me in my early 20’s – there was a definite moment where I knew my life had to change or I would literally destroy myself. There’s only so long you can go on living feeling so terribly about yourself. It took a relationship where it was insisted I believe in myself to really internalize I was worth anything and believe I deserved (we all do) to be seen and celebrated. What happened is that someone saw that shimmering real part of me and wholeheartedly believed in it. And loved every single ugly, honest, raw, wounded piece of me. Who gave and gave and gave. Who insisted I was deserving of love – and that I should demand that type of love from myself and from every person I allow in my world. That I was good enough. Over time I learned that every thought and feeling wasn’t wrong or to be feared but information about my inner workings and worth appreciating. I was aching to be accepted and didn’t really know how to interact with people who did just that so pushed a lot of wonderful people away. When a big surprise party was thrown for me, my eyes were opened to the fact that not only did this person love me, a LOT of people love me. When I walked in and saw the variety of people who had come together for me, I was floored. I honestly didn’t know that many people could like me. After the party, I was given stacks of letters from everyone invited. The letters shared what they thought of me – these were all people I kept at an arms length – and I was overcome by emotion. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Deep wounds began to heal and I began inviting people in. My capacity to share my heart and myself began to further grow. I learned the power of relationships and of love and found myself committed to creating real and meaningful interactions. It was through this commitment and falling short that helped me learn the cliché that first I had to truly and deeply love and be committed to myself before any type of relationship could be successful. And that’s what I set out to do and have done. That’s what made my 30^th such a milestone and why I’m thrilled to celebrate 31.  

Most birthdays I’ve felt very alone and today I feel more love than I’ve ever felt in my life. You see me and I see you. Every single gift, card, and correspondence I’ve received this year screams my name. My friends know ME – the real “pleasantly dorky” me – not the version of me I think they might like or the version of me that’s socially acceptable. They get the messy parts and that means we get to love each other more fully because we both show up. I find myself writing thank you notes and what feels like love letters/texts to my friends because the love and gratitude I feel for the people in my life is overwhelming and naturally pours out.

***

Do what makes you happy, go where you love, and be with the people who make you more you. If you don’t know what you like and aren’t surrounded by people you jive with down to your soul, find what and who does. Find yourself and honor it. Make it your mission. Maybe we’ll have all the time in the world and maybe life will be gone before we know it. It doesn’t really matter. Find your truth and celebrate the heck out of it. Right now.

Off I Go! Solo Vay-cay 2013.

Walking into the airport this morning I was flooded by a sense of freedom and overwhelming joy.

***

Traveling was a big part of my family’s life so it’s natural to now be reminded of these times when traveling on my own. I can’t help but marvel at how nothing has changed except for my perspective.

When I think back to traveling with my family, several very clear pictures pop into my head. Without fail, I was the last one getting in the already running car, blankets trailing behind me, carrying several stuffed animals, slightly oblivious to the fact that there was a schedule to be kept and that the people in the car were more than annoyed with me. Always carefree and not too concerned with the task at hand, preferring a slower pace of life where there’s always time for one more hug. And my dad – on the opposite end of the spectrum - insistent on being at the airport several hours early only to then sprint to the gate despite being comically early. Remembering our times in the airport makes me laugh. Imagine a family of five sprinting through airports led by an Italian man on a mission, followed by two of his equally mission-driven daughters and farrrrr behind a little girl dropping different stuffed animals every few steps with a frustrated mother pulling the little girl’s hand in attempt to keep the family together and be sure the youngest wasn’t lost. It’s kind of ridiculous. Along the way I’ve come to find that it doesn’t matter how fast we go or how urgent we make a situation seem, it doesn’t make much difference to the end result. What will be affected is your state of mind and your relationships. Noticing this has all but eliminated ‘being stressed out’ from my daily experience. Life is much more enjoyable.

***

My morning thus far has been perfect. Despite having a 4:45am leave time, I didn’t finish packing until 4:40am (this gave me a good 5 minutes of goodbye cuddles with my cats!). I called a cab 20 minutes before I needed to leave. I meandered into the airport only to be pulled to the side by security and frisked for explosives and anything else that could be on my body to pose danger to the plane. The whole time I chatted away and laughed knowing full well the flight had already boarded.  Post-frisk I stayed true to my Austin airport ritual and stopped to grab a couple of breakfast tacos. I was the last person to board and it was just fine! My tacos and I found ourselves next to a nice man and spent most of the 4 hour flight talking about life, passion, drive, and the fragility of building a life based on possessions. Now given precious time from a layover, I’ve found myself cuddled up in a booth, far away from my gate musing and spending time to write about my experiences. These are the things I’d like to remember so I write about them. These sweet little moments are lost when I’m stressed about getting everywhere in a hurry. I spent years following the stress blueprint that many of us do and it’s so much more fun to enjoy everything! And because I contained myself for so long, these are the moments of pure enjoyment and exhilaration – connecting with people – strangers and the people I love, recognizing the shift in how I view every day occurrences, being spontaneous, knowing I used to ache to go out and experience life but was too dependent on the people around me to do anything I really wanted. This pure happiness is directly related to the deep gratitude I feel for these wonderful moments and connections. It just feels dang good to get out there, be yourself, and do whatever the heck you want.

So, here we go solo vacation #2! Time to meander, take my time, get “lost”, and maybe drop a few things along the way.

Thank you, discomfort.

There are moments, days, and seasons that cause us to stop and listen. Today was one that caused me to step back, put some pieces together, and have a little bit of an “ah, yes – I get it” and even a “it’s happening moment”.

***

As the youngest child I was babied a lot. I loved it when I was younger but as I grew, so did a strong stubborn streak and sense of determination. I began to despise feeling reliant on others. A large part of this was emotionally driven – I really did need to find my voice – but over time it traversed into other areas.

Someone who’s opinion I really value, told me several months back that while independence is a wonderful thing, it’s also nice to let the people who care about you know they are needed. She told me that while being independent is admirable, it also pushes people away. She kinda called me out. While this conversation was in regards to romantic relationships, this comment has since been in my head a lot as I’ve more and more realized how difficult it can be to allow the people who care to actually show and express it. I don’t think I’m alone in this – receiving love stretches your capacity for loving and increases the chances of getting hurt by a lot. It is scary scary scary.

So, I’ve been noticing and practicing. Practicing letting people I love and who love me, know when I need help and asking for it. Saying out loud how hard it is and sitting with that discomfort. Giving and receiving real hugs (you know what I’m talking about). Telling a couple of my girlfriends that it’s scary to be this emotionally vulnerable. And guess what? Practicing in my ‘safe places’ has helped me take that into other areas of my life. I believe Thomas Jefferson referred to this as stepping into the arena.

No interaction has any guarantee. We never know how someone will react. It’s just that the more important it seems, the riskier it feels. When we give our whole self to someone we love (I’m not just talking romantic here), the uncertainty of reciprocation forces you to step back and say, I trust you and I believe in you. It’s scary but feels good. The closer we allow ourselves to become to someone, the less we can hold on. I refer to this as living with open palms and love that feeling. The more I’ve loved something or someone, the more I realize that my grip needs to be non-existent as does its/theirs on me. I suppose the early years of being babied and my fierce independence have merged into an existence that is both capable of living on my own but doesn’t want to. I want to give and take care of the people around me and allow them to give and take care of me too. Relating in this way matters and – to me – is everything.

My blogs seem to be ending with a lot of thank you’s lately. It’s hard not to have thank you on repeat when I am continually overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m grateful for the overwhelming sense that the world is full of amazingly generous people. I’m grateful for the uncomfortable moments that give me pause and ask what is causing me to feel that way. I’m grateful to the people and moments that challenge me. And most recently, I’m grateful for the silly injury I have that has forced me to slow down my entire life and re-examine what it is that makes me happy.

Thank you, discomfort for being the little path to making changes. I love foraging along together.

Approaching 31.

Historically, birthdays didn’t have much significance to me. It was a day for people to give presents, pretend to be happy, and move on. They were always a disappointment. Over time, as I learned how to love and appreciate the people around me, other people’s birthdays began taking on meaning. I realized what a lovely thing it is to celebrate the day someone arrived in our world. I believe in celebrating beautiful relationships on a regular basis but it is nice to give someone you love (or yourself) one day that is set aside to celebrate them and do whatever and anything they want. An official ‘give-permission-to-be-you-day’?! I dig it.

Last year my 30^th birthday was a significant one for me. (see blogs: My journey as I approach 30 and Turning 30.) Approaching my 30^th inspired me to let go of fear-based living and to place an even greater value on relationships. In order to live these things, both really required me to let go of worrying about what others were thinking of me and to share myself – the real me. That’s why I started this blog and why I began sharing my art. Learning to be vulnerable has and is a process and those two avenues really helped me jump into it. I wanted it more than anything and I am a determined little lady.

This year my 31^st birthday present is a trip. More on that to come, but I am SO excited! I’ve found myself saying a lot lately that I’m not anywhere close to what I believed I wanted my life to look like at 31. And it’s cliché but true that where I am is so much better than anything I could have dreamed up. People who know me now would be stunned to know that a younger version of Liana thought she wanted to be married with children. To not work.  To plan fancy parties in a fancy house and put on lots of fancy fundraisers. To maybe have a clothing boutique on the side (so I could shop there – heaven forbid, work there). None of these things are wrong in themselves at all. But it makes me giggle to look back on because they are all the opposite of who I truly am and what makes me happy. They are great examples of the stories I bought into of what happiness looks like and how to know you’re doing “okay”. I trudged down the path to take me in that direction for years and became a beaten down version of me. Today at (almost!) 31, I walk into my tiny 1-bedroom artsy, hodge-podge apartment welcomed by my 2 kitties and am overwhelmed with happiness, love, and gratitude. I am not concerned whether or not I am ever in a long-term relationship because I’m so satisfied and happy just as I am. I couldn’t be less fancy. I hardly ever wear makeup, walk around in random outfits, have a lot of passions and hobbies that do not include hosting parties, love to work, and don’t fit the mold of what I envisioned at 15. People often comment that I’m really positive or smile a lot and it’s because my life is full. It didn’t become full on accident, it’s full because I’ve intentionally made it that way. Those who have known me long enough have seen the messy journey it’s been. And I can 100% say I wouldn’t change any of it.

Every day, I find myself thinking and saying out loud I LOVE being alive. After spending a significant number of years not enjoying life, it feels SO good to be able to say it and mean it. It doesn’t mean that every aspect of life is ideal, but there’s a leaning into that didn’t used to happen. I’m okay accepting something that isn’t comfortable or “what I want”.

Because I accept me, I now accept and love people more wholly. I used to spend a lot of energy concerning myself with whether or not people liked me or why someone might not want to spend time with me. And at the end of the day, just as I can choose that some people aren’t good fits for the way I want my life to be, others can pick if I don’t fit too. It can still hurt (who likes rejection?) but I have a deep peace that I’d rather stick to the truth of who I am than compromise that for other people. Even with the best of intentions, those types of compromise never work out well.

I love simplicity. I want to flit about and find others who want to flit around with me. Life isn’t complicated – it’s people who make it complicated. It’s much easier and smoother when we find other non-complicated, like-minded people to surround ourselves with. It makes me even happier. I feel like I laugh all the time and it’s because things fit.

At 15, I could lay out my life plan for you. People ask me now about different goals I have and I don’t have much that entails anything concrete. It’s not where or what I'm doing, it's who I am and how I’m living that are important to me. The rest is just details and increasingly seem to sort themselves out when down the BE YOU path.

That’s where I am as I approach the next official celebrate Liana day. For now, just 3 more weeks until my next exciting trip. Countdown has begun!

A pretend birthday celebration a couple of months ago.
Have a you-day whenever you want! 

No Second Chances

“No second chances.”

***

These days one of my favorite ways to get a sweat on is at a fabulous spinning studio here in Austin called Ride. Having never been naturally athletic, I hadn’t really thought of myself as the spinning type. After a friend kept insisting I give it a try, I am now officially hooked. Lately I’ve been referring to Ride as “yoga for athletes” because despite the intensity of the classes, the entire 45 minutes makes you feel uplifted, encouraged, and inspired. The instructors use the music and remind Ride-ers that what happens in there can be taken out into the rest of our life. Life can be really really really hard and we get to pick our response. We get to pick how hard we climb up the hill, how much fun we have doing it, and whether we talk kindly to or are hard on ourselves through the process. I love being reminded of that and feel inspired being in a group of people dedicated to the same things.

***

Last week I was in a bit of a funk. I was having difficulty being present, feeling sad and getting frustrated with myself for not understanding what was going on or knowing how to make myself feel better. (Side note: be nice to yourself when you aren’t where you think you should be! Because…you are where you are and that means you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. And, chances are we are where we are to learn a little more lessons around that area. I was fighting this bi-ig time!)

In attempt to sort through what was going on, I hermit-ed up a bit thinking I needed alone time. It didn’t help. So I got in some girl time. Loved it. Had a conversation and was reminded that there were a few things I’ve been putting off dealing with because I didn’t want to deal with potential conflict (I haaate conflict) and as a result had been dragging my feet in other areas of my life. That conversation got me into a little spiral of extra productivity. It felt GOOD. I was encouraged. Then, I showed up at Ride and the theme of that class was “no second chances”. We don’t get them. We don’t get a second chance to put 100% into that workout. We don’t get a second chance to put our best foot forward in that job interview or at work. We don’t get a second chance to be ourselves in front of that boy or girl we’re crushing on. We don’t get a second chance to make the people in our lives feel special. We will never ever ever get any moment back again.

Every day our 100% isn’t going to be the same – it’s just not possible. As a friend jokingly reminded me recently as I began a run sprinting up a hill: every day isn’t race day. And that’s okay. I think there’s a 100% within that non-race-day that we can put out every day and that’s where I am. Thank you, Ride, for un-funk-ing me and for my newest mantra: no second chances.

Gardens and Love

A couple of weeks ago I took a staycation here in Austin. I wanted to experience the city the way I would if I were a tourist so my plan was to try new things and visit new places. High on the list of places to go was Umlauf Sculpture Garden and I’m so glad to have made it a priority. It truly is a magical place and I highly recommend visiting if you haven’t.

Gazing around at the different sculptures, I found myself drawn to the ones I picture in this post: the beautiful form of a woman forever held in a state of what looks to be freedom, delight, and ecstasy, a young boy lost in the pleasure of youth – his only concern being excitement about bounding into a lake, and two couples forever entwined in each other’s passionate embrace. It got me thinking about what inspired the artists to sculpt these particular moments, emotions, and individuals. It made me think about the depth of the love and gratefulness for these relationships these artists must have had or observed in others and in turn, what a beautiful way to celebrate and leave behind for the world to have forever.

I have zero green thumb ability (see previous post for a funny story on this) but make it a priority to visit gardens when traveling anywhere new. I periodically visit the Botanical Gardens here in Austin so I can see what new things are blooming. There is something delightfully romantic about meandering along dirt paths that are strewn with bright colors, big trees, sunshine, birds chirping, and butterflies flitting about that makes my heart feel full.  I am also reminded of a story about a garden I once heard: of a man and wife who loved each other dearly. The wife adored beautiful flowers and so her husband created an exquisite garden for her – with little streams, rose bushes, ivies, and many other beautiful plants.  When she passed, he continued tending to the garden as an expression of his love to her. From my understanding this was about 50-100 years ago and the garden is now a part of the city and continues to flourish. I find that to be such a wonderful expression of love – the symbolism of the beauty of nature, the continual growth, change and even death that this garden goes through. Just as relationships grow, change and have different areas flourish at different times, at some point things will end. At some point no one is around with memories to talk about the beauty that existed. This garden will forever sing about their love and there is something that seems so right about that.

Maybe that’s part of why I appreciate art so much. Books, music, paintings, photography, sculptures, buildings…they all have a story. Sometimes we know it and sometimes we don’t. I love the story and I love that it lasts.

And I think about these things in my day-to-day life. We can’t all create a magnificent garden for someone but we can create a dynamic that is worthy of celebration.

While gardens and art and things that can be left behind are beautiful reminders that I will forever enjoy, in the end it’s still just a symbol. When I think about the people I associate love with, it’s the twinkle in their eye, the smile that uncontrollably pops onto their face, the spontaneous feeling-full hugs, the gentleness of their presence that without words says, I’m here for you. I know that eventually life as I know it and relationships as I know it will end, but I believe those other things somehow live on. And that is why visiting gardens makes me so happy. Gardens remind me that today matters both because we all have a last day and because what we do today has the possibility to grow into something incredibly beautiful. While the beauty we plant today might not be seen through the original gardener, the love we strew about the world can grow bigger and bigger. That’s pretty powerful.