Today is a day I’ve been anticipating for months. Today
marks the 3rd annual Share the Love Fundraiser that I created
several years ago to raise funds for an organization that I believe in with my
whole heart – Texas Advocacy Project. Their cause is one that is hard to talk
about because of the havoc it wrecked on my life. Putting this event on isn’t
easy for me.
I’ve often wondered why a topic that is so relevant and
effects so many people isn’t talked about much. It’s easy to say that it’s not
popular or fun to talk about and both are very true. But the truth is that it
happens and happens often – every 1 out of 3 women will experience some sort of
abuse in her life. This is a LOT of people! And it makes sense that people
don’t want to talk about something that showcases and sheds light on just how
awful and cruel one human being can be to another. The other thing I’ve
realized about the quiet around these topics is that it isn’t easy for the
people who have gone through something like this. It can be excruciatingly
painful to think about, much less talk about. There is also so much
misunderstanding around these topics. It’s just a tough topic all the way
around.
And that’s exactly why
I wanted to start a fundraiser for this cause. Abuse is rampant and the more I
talk about it, the more other people share their stories with me – ones of
themselves, their mothers, their friends, their daughters, and the list goes
on. I really believe that the only way dark realities change is to shed light
on them – to talk about them. I really believe that the only way dark hurts and
traumas heal is to shed light on them – to talk about them. It is these beliefs
that drive me forward with being vocal about what I went through and helping
raise money for Texas Advocacy Project.
At the end of December (I mentioned this in a previous blog post), I began thinking about what I would talk about tonight and soon found
myself crying and grieving for the things that had been lost. There has been
much gained but the reality is that there has also been serious loss. There’s
just no way around it. Since that day I have found myself increasingly
emotional about this evening and not sure why. I’ve asked myself why I put this
event on when it causes me so much emotional stress. I’ve lost many nights of
sleep over it and have become increasingly tearful. And you know what? That’s okay.
Yesterday I received two amazing emails. One from a dear
friend and one from my beautiful sister.
My friend reminded me of a few things:
“Forget
the difficulty for a moment, though: courage starts with showing up and
letting yourself be seen. That's what you're doing tomorrow. It's what you
did last year. It's what you did in the courtroom. It's what you -- and others
(agencies like TAP) -- do each and every single day they decide to fight this
fight. You all decide that everything else aside, there must be an initial step
somewhere, and that step takes tremendous faith and confidence and courage.
Sometimes that step is as simple as telling your story, sometimes it's as tough
as just going out and being around people -- regardless, courage is courage is
courage, and its varying degrees don't matter. Everyone who has fought this
should be applauded evenly.
And with
crazy, how many nights did you fight with yourself about what was right, what
would aggravate him, what would be worth the fight, what wouldn't be…and then
you did it. One step: the courageous step to just show up. To enter the arena.
To dare greatly. The common bond with everyone there tomorrow, yourself most
certainly included, is that they have experienced (firsthand or secondhand)
something that is designed to paralyze you with vulnerability. It is supposed
to keep you tearful, afraid, and homebound. But there will be hundreds of
people there tomorrow, raising thousands of dollars, out and open in the heart
of one of America's biggest cities, talking about something they should be too
afraid to, fighting something that feels so magnificently unnavigable, and
taking control. And it all starts with one simple, tough, beautiful step, the
same exact one you need to (and will) take tomorrow evening when
you speak for thirty seconds to a group of people who LOVE you.
Just being yourself is ok, it is enough. And all you can do is show up
and let yourself be seen.”
And from
my sister:
“I know it is
[hard], and you’re wonderful to do it. You’re doing it to help all the
women/girls behind you, and that’s something you certainly aren’t obligated to
do. You’re making a difference. And, that’s unfortunately not
always easy; you’re wonderful to do this. I’m glad it’s finally arrived
and after tomorrow you can be lighter, focus on you, your friends and the
things that make you smile.”
I have been SO
hard on myself lately and these letters remind me that my emotions are okay,
they’re normal, and they’re healthy. But there’s something bigger here at stake
than my emotions. Being reminded why
I choose to do this makes me so much more appreciative for this event. Going
through what I went through was absolute hell. All I want is to hold every
child, girl, and woman who doesn’t have someone to hold them through whatever
similar hell they are going through. And tonight is my way of giving them a hug
and saying that someone is here for them.
