tiny beautiful things

I finished a book yesterday that is now among my favorites. It's a book written by Cheryl Strayed who wrote an advice column called Dear Sugar. This book, tiny beautiful things: Advice on love and life from Dear Sugar is a compilation of her most popular columns. This isn't a typical advice column. Sugar says things like,

"Inhabit the beauty that lives in your beastly body and strive to see the beauty in all the other beasts."

"Forgiveness doesn't just sit there like a pretty boy in a bar."

"Believe that the fairy tale is true."

"Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start here."

Her column was a hit because she believes in the beautiful, she's radically forthright while being kind, she's a little bit crude and sarcastic while tempering it with humor and lovingly refers to her readers as "honey bun" and "sweat pea". Her words are real and I think we can all relate to much of what she says. The final question in the book was one that was so perfectly answered, I had to share it. Perhaps we can't relate to the specific stories but we can relate to the experiential part because as my old mentor used to tell me, "It's never about the story." The stuff underneath, the heart is what we relate to and so here's a bit of wisdom from Dear Sugar. 

Dear Sugar,

I read your column religiously. I'm twenty-two. From what I can tell by your writing, you're in your early forties. My question is short and sweet: What would you tell your twentysomething self if you could talk to her now?

Love,

Seeking Wisdom

Dear Seeking Wisdom,

Stop worrying about whether you're fat. You're not fat. Or rather, you're sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.

     In the middle of the night in the middle of your twenties when your best woman friend crawls naked  into your bed, straddles you, and says, 'You should run away from me before I devour you', believe her.

     You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don't need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn't mean you're incapable of real love or that you'll never love anyone else again. It doesn't mean you're morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That's all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.

     When that really sweet but fucked-up gay couple invites you over to their cool apartment to do Ecstasy with them, say no.

     There are some things you can't understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It's good you've worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.

     One evening you will be rolling around on the wooden floor of your apartment with a man who will tell you he doesn't have a condom. You will smile in this spunky way that you think is hot and tell him to fuck you anyway. This will be a mistake for which you alone will pay.

     Don't lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don't have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don't know what it is yet.

     You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don't waste your time on anything else.

     Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

     One hot afternoon during the era in which you've gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin, you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She'll offer you one of the balloons, but you won't take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You're wrong. You do.

     Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relationship to your naive pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.

     When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn't "mean anything" because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with your or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.

     The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people's diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.

     One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don't look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don't hold it up and say it's longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn't say for the rest of your life.

     Say thank you.

Yours,

Sugar