It’s a question I ask myself often as it has been become
increasingly important for me to match my insides to my outsides. There’s many pulls
to be different from who we really are and I think the moments we feel most confused
or that something is ‘off’ is because something about the way we’re acting or
what we’re doing isn’t in line with what we really want or who we are.
The way I check in with myself about this is … who am I and
what am I thinking about when I’m by myself and no one else is watching? Does
that match what the rest of the world sees? Because as these two places match
up, all our experiences become more genuine representations of our real selves
bringing greater joy, freedom, and truth to the things we do and the people we
interact with.
It’s so easy and certainly more comfortable to adjust what
we say or do in effort to please the people around us but it isn’t honest.
Sometimes being honest about who you are or what you really feel doesn’t make
other people comfortable but it’s okay because it’s what’s true and at the end
of every day all we have is integrity to ourselves.
I listen to this song Try
by Colbie Caillat many mornings as a daily reminder to go out into the world
being fully me. The effort it takes to impress others is a waste of energy. A
lil’ daily meditation a ‘la Colbie Caillat: “When you’re all alone, by
yourself, do you like you?”
This morning I started out my day going to a spin class
(check out my old post on Ride) – a great spin studio here in Austin.
Towards the end of class they typically play a slower song, crank up the resistance, and
the class ‘climbs a hill’. During this morning’s hill climb our instructor,
Caprice (she rocks!) talked about letting go and using this tough climb as a
symbolism for continuing to persevere through tough times. She talked about
being open to embracing these challenges not just on the bike but in life.
Over the past few years when people see me working out, I’ll
get asked what I’m training for. As someone who is not historically athletic at all, it makes me giggle. The truth is
that for me exercise is a total symbolism for life. Anytime I’ve thought about
it as a way to “lose weight” or get “toned”, I stop having fun and completely
lose motivation. When I’m creative with my workouts, push myself as hard as I
can, and move in ways that make me happy, there’s a freedom in it and a
recognition that if I can push through 2 more reps of something even though I
feel like I can’t anymore that I’m building a mental toughness to push through
whatever might come in the future. So now I say I’m training for life. I find
myself dancing, smiling and laughing when I’m exercising all while gasping for
air and drenched in sweat. I love it.
When I first started training more ‘athletically’ it was
really intimidating for me. Some moves like jump ups and burpees jumping up
into a pull up were kind of scary. But I pushed myself to do them, gave it
100%, and fell in love with the adrenaline rush of plyos along with a variety of
using my body in ways I never thought I’d be able to do. It translated into a
confidence in other areas of my life. To me, physical training at the gym is
equal to mental training. Jumping up onto a platform can be scary just like
jumping into the risk of starting your own business or falling in love or
telling someone you’re sorry. We won’t ever be ‘ready’ for any of it but with
the leap and practice we get better and stronger and those things that
originally felt so scary become the very things that bring joy and liberation.
My first painting in almost a year. I started collecting words to make a vision board a few years ago and that project got pushed to the side. Then I started this painting over a year ago and it also got set aside. Recently the two somehow merged and this painting became my vision board. Just as my courage to write is coming back, so is my courage to create. I love that it has all lined up together.
Life has a funny way of circling around. I’ve been
struggling to find the courage to post on my blog because of how long it’s
been. Then I got a notification in Timehop that a year and a few days ago I
posted my last blog. So whether or not I feel ‘ready’ or that what I have to
say is ‘good enough’, I’m going to start posting again. As with everything in
life, there’s never a ‘right’ time so everyday can be the right time. It’s time
to be fully me again. I love to write and be part of a community where people
share their experiences. So, here goes…
I started writing this blog at the end of 2014 followed by
months riddled with confusion, darkness, and deep unhappiness. I knew I would
begin finding clarity if I started writing again but didn’t know where to start
and no longer felt confident enough to put thoughts on paper. After taking so
much time off from nourishing and taking care of myself, it was intimidating to
sit down and write. It was strange to find places that historically have been
my safe haven feel so foreign. So I took baby steps in caring for myself again
and it’s in taking these tiny movements forward that I find myself leaps away
from where I was.
Hindsight is a great gift and as time continues to pass
brings much clarity to decisions made and with that comes a peace - and with
peace, forgiveness. It’s also helped me find what I believe are the foundations
for happiness and healthy relationships.
I now understand there is an extremely delicate balance
between self and other and that if someone asks me to sacrifice any part of myself
that is intrinsically me or part of my self care, I will be heading in the other
direction. I’ve also learned how to
know whether any relationship (friendships too) are worth investing in. To me,
it’s two people who are willing to meet the other where the other is and not
attempt to change where the other person is – those differences create such
beautiful opportunities to learn and grow. The truth is that everyone loses
when we sacrifice ourselves. If we’re able to be honest about little signs when
getting to know someone, or applying this to current relationships as getting
to know ourselves, so much pain and difficulty can be avoided.
Seven things I
discovered about relationships and happiness last year:
-To watch people and pay more attention to what they
do and less to what they say. People seem to show who they are far better than their words. I’ve heard it for
years but have come to learn that people who talk the most are the ones who are
hiding. The people who don’t go around barking their beliefs don’t have to
because who they are is glaringly obvious through the things they do, their
relationships, and how they treat people.
-To show up fully myself and rid my life of the
people who want me to be different. The ways people ask others to change
can be subtle and confusing and over time has devastating effects. I consider
life too precious and time too fleeting to have people around who want me to be
different. A healthy relationship will never ask me to stop nourishing myself.
-How to navigate the dance of being
simultaneously connected to others and myself. I’ve swung a lot between
over-hibernating and over socializing and now I’m learning to balance the two. I’m
able to learn it after taking the time to be really honest about out who I am
and part of that is someone who needs time and space to recharge. This one is tough
for me but when I’m not so preoccupied with continually making others happy, it
turns out I’m able to give so much more.
-Just because someone else says something doesn’t
make it right. I tend to look to others as the ‘experts’ and I’m learning to
speak up too. Sometimes what others say has zero to do with me and is actually an
echo of their experiences being projected outward. I’m learning to take time to
process what others say and not pressure myself to give a quick response. My
pace is a little slower than most and that’s okay. If someone finds my pace too
slow and gets impatient, then we’re probably going to have difficulty getting
in sync.
-If it’s right, it shouldn’t be hard. Relationships
that require a lot of maintenance and time aren’t a fit for me. Life is too
short to consistently be butting heads.
-To be honest about where I am and share not just
my joys but also my hurts with my support system. I have a tendency to isolate
when I’m hurting which is probably the worst thing to do because it makes
things darker and scarier. Thoughts get so jumbled when they stay in our heads
but the moment we say them out loud and lean on a friend, we can gain clarity and connect. Connection makes everything
feel brighter.
-A healthy relationship is two whole and
independent people who genuinely want the best for the other and support each
other towards their dreams and goals. So many people are looking for the other
to fill their holes. I believe in two whole people who walk side by side.
There were moments last year when I felt I was wasting my
life. It’s a terrible feeling but as with all feelings, passed and I now have a
much greater understanding of why I needed those lessons. Just as with all
challenges, I was presented the opportunity to gain deeper understanding of who
I am which brings deeper satisfaction and truth to my whole life.
For now, it just feels so good to be dreaming and laughing
again.
Part of what I love about having a blog is having the
ability to look back at specific snapshots in my life and see the shifts that
have happened over time. Several weeks ago I decided that I’d like to start
saying yes more. When I looked back at my 2013 goals, I had a bit of a giggle
reading and remembering that a big goal for the year was learning to say no.
I’d say I mastered that and now it’s time to balance my no’s with some yes’es.
It’s also incredible to read the things I wrote in 2012 and
then in 2013 and see what different years they were thematically. 2012 was
spent much in reaction to having my heart broken. 2013 was all about relationships.
The end of my last romantic relationship
left me in quite a mess and to get through it, I had to rediscover what makes
me happy as an individual. I cried a LOT and was angry. And through the process of raw honesty, discovered me. Through that discovery my relationships became richer and life sweeter. As with all
difficulties, it serves as a reminder that any hard time can be a gift if we choose
for it to be so. We can become cynical and bitter or we can become happier and
better versions of ourselves. There is always a choice. Where are you today? What do you want? The
possibilities are endless.
I’m a big believer in the capacity for human change and
growth. And it’s because I’ve experienced it. People who meet me today have no
idea that I used to be chronically depressed. Most people don’t know about an
incredibly trying time I went through several years ago that was the perfect
recipe to turn me into a paranoid, distrustful, and hateful person. They see a
very happy person – and as with us all - what is seen today is just a snapshot.
What is your “depression” or horrific experience - your
thing (or things!) - you don’t believe you can let go of? The start of a new
year is a great time to consider that perhaps you can let go of ____ and that quite possibly the only thing standing
in the way is you. You can, you can, you can. Pick what you want and chase the
hell out of it. Create your life. And give the people around you space to do
the same. Compassion outward begins with compassion inward. Believe in change
for yourself and you create space for the people around you to change too. Want
the best for the people around you – even if they aren’t your friends and even
if you don’t particularly care for them. They’re trying too. I believe we all
are.
Many people base their goals only around fitness or health
related things and, despite being in the fitness industry, I challenge to you
think beyond fitness. Think about yourself as the whole person that you are.
Are you happy? If not, discover what makes you happy. Being skinny or muscular
isn’t the answer to happiness. Physical health is only part of the picture (and
whether people find you attractive or not is zero part of it). Commit to YOU.
Who are you? What makes your soul sing?
If what you want feels too big and scary, make a small step
towards that change. The smallest steps are often what feel like the biggest
leaps and are what take you the whole way. Change is possible. Empower yourself this year. Just pick 1 thing. You
might find you keep going and discover a person you only dreamed possible.
I was recently introduced to a song by Foy Vance – Joy of Nothing. I find myself sitting
still several times a day just to listen to and soak up this song. The lyrics I
cling to that so deeply touch my soul:
The joy of nothing is a sweeter something
And I will hold it in my heart
I will hold it in my heart.
Earlier this week marked the 38th anniversary of
my parents deciding to take a chance, believe in their love, and say yes to making
a go at spending the rest of their lives together. From their love my sisters
and I were brought into this world so talking about things I’m grateful for doesn’t
make sense without mentioning them. They instilled many of the core foundations
and beliefs I hold so dearly today.
Moomy and Daddy, I don’t tell you enough and in case you
ever question your legacy, don’t. And
if you do, please read and re-read this. You’ve given me so much more than what
I’m about to list, but here are some of the things I think of most often. Thank
you for giving and teaching me:
-An innate respect for all things living.
-An ability to ignore and not take part in gossip.
To discover truths about people on my own. I have the utmost respect for your elegance
and privacy.
-That the importance of following passion, discovering
your own path, and following your heart is always the right direction. I
will forever remember a conversation my dad and I once had. He told me that
life is a road. We all have a road we set out on and as we walk along our road,
there are road signs, streets, and people enticing us to get off and go on a different road or into the bushes. He said sometimes we will go a different direction and
that it’s okay but to always make sure to come back to our road. I am so
thankful to have been encouraged to discover and stay true to ME and to get rid
of the people who don’t fit.
-To enthusiastically say yes when someone asks
for help and that no matter how many dollars are in the bank, there is always something to give.
-An ability, passion, and respect for hard work.
-A belief in education and lifelong learning. An
understanding that credentials don’t make someone ‘educated’ or ‘smart’. - That family is sacred.
-The value of laughter and not bringing stress into
a relationship. There is a ginormous difference between being able to lean on
one another without burdening one another. Disagreements aren’t solved by
yelling and being nasty. I watched and now value the strength it takes to have
an incredibly soft, compassionate, and loving heart while simultaneously
knowing how to say no, have self-respect, and set boundaries.
And while I’m at it…some other
things I’m grateful for:
-I don’t know what it means to be hungry. I am
incredibly wealthy to have never had to miss a meal.
-My mind. I love to learn and think. I love having
the ability to get lost in books, art, and experiences. I’m grateful I don’t
know what it means to be bored.
-My body. I’m continually blown away by how
seamlessly my body works. Sure, there are days I feel less than stellar but I can
breathe easily and digest my food. I can see, eat, and have four fully
functioning limbs. I find much joy
both in using my body to be physically active and to sit in stillness
enraptured by my senses. I LOVE being alive.
-My relationships. From my best friends to the acquaintances
in my life, it blows my mind that all the people I’m in regular communication
with are people I adore and respect. I often find my heart overwhelmed with the
love I have for the people in my life and am grateful for the never-ending
expansiveness of the heart. Loving has become sort of an addiction and it
couldn’t be more sweet.
-My work. I’m grateful for the ability to share
the magic of movement, the incredible instructors who share this passion, our
dedicated and inspiring clients, and the numerous amount of family, friends,
and mentors who have supported and encouraged along the way.
-My “skittles” (cats). They are batty, quirky, make
me laugh, move my heart, and keep me warm at night. They are purrrrrrrfect! J
-All things simple. My gratitude list could go on
for miles and what I always come back to is that the things, people, and
experiences that make me most happy are the most simple. It’s those moments
when two friends come together with mussed up hair and weird outfits to share
an evening of hysterical laughter, dress-up, and tears. It’s every morning the
sun rises yet again and we have another go at writing a page of our life story.
It’s keeping in mind how important life is and how non-important the noise is.
It’s the loud uncontrollable laughter, the hugs, the love that exists
everywhere around us, and the desire to slow down, pause and take notice. What am I most thankful for? That I can so
deeply feel the joy of nothing.
This is the first birthday I’ve wanted to celebrate so much.
Technically I’ve already had 2 celebrations and today am at the third. Growing
up, I didn’t believe in myself or that I was worth anything at all. So each
year when asked what I wanted to do for my birthday I said nothing, felt
uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, and like there was something wrong with me. I often
felt sad around my birthday. I hated the attention and just wanted it to pass
by. I didn’t want to be seen. I
preferred to blend in, not make any waves, and look like everyone else. I
didn’t want anyone to make a fuss over me because I didn’t believe I deserved
it. When your rules are: “Go with the flow, make everyone like you, smile,
behave, act ‘normal’, and please don’t notice I’m pretending”, it’s pretty
uncomfortable to have all attention on you because what if someone sees you’re faking it? Or worse, they might see a
glimmer of the real you and not like it?
It can be a lot easier to pretend.
Most birthdays I’ve felt very alone and today I feel more
love than I’ve ever felt in my life. You see me and I see you. Every single
gift, card, and correspondence I’ve received this year screams my name. My
friends know ME – the real “pleasantly dorky” me – not the version of me I
think they might like or the version of me that’s socially acceptable. They get
the messy parts and that means we get to love each other more fully because we
both show up. I find myself writing thank you notes and what feels like love
letters/texts to my friends because the love and gratitude I feel for the
people in my life is overwhelming and naturally pours out.
***
Do what makes you happy, go where you love, and be with the
people who make you more you. If you don’t know what you like and aren’t
surrounded by people you jive with down to your soul, find what and who does. Find
yourself and honor it. Make it your mission. Maybe we’ll have all the time in
the world and maybe life will be gone before we know it. It doesn’t really
matter. Find your truth and celebrate
the heck out of it. Right now.
